Saying Goodbye

April 19, 2013

This may or may not be another drafted posted for a while….I do that more than you realize.

Over the past 5 or so years, it keeps getting harder to say goodbye.  It started out with easy things like going to honor bands and meeting some people and spending all day for the few days with them, then saying goodbye, adding each other on facebook and never talking again.  Then I went to different music camps and conventions, and saying goodbye to people sucks.  You spend all that time trying to make friends and have a good time, then you leave them.  I will always cherish those relationships, but it just sucks that they kinda end. 

I always wonder what it would be like if I could continue those friendships.  Now being in the army, I am always saying goodbye to people.  I had to leave my family and best friends with snail mail contact, and now I only skype and very frequently visit because they live 20 hours driving time away.  Besides my family and my few best friends, I barely keep in contact with past friendships, which at times makes me really sad.  I try my best to text someone from a while back occasionally, but it just isn’t the same.  We meet people, then move on when we have to go.  I don’t know if I am becoming less of an introvert, but I love meeting people (only under certain circumstances, where I feel like I can be myself and if I am feeling extra social).  I do really appreciate the past friendships I made, it has made me much more social than I used to be.  It seems really sad, but sometimes I wonder, what’s the point of making these friendships when you just say goodbye?  Discovering more about humanity and yourself?  Feeling and making other people feel good for the time being?  Sharing your adventures, struggles, and laughter – I guess that’s important.  We need relationships, we thrive off of other people, how crazy is that.  We all need human contact, love, and relationships.  How strange is that?


Well, this may have been a stupid post.  I’ll just leave it at that.




Meaningful Conversation

April 14, 2013

Lately I have been trying really hard to stop comparing myself to others.  I realized how subconsciously I do it.  Sometimes I think I am so awkward when I talk to people and I wish I could be like so-and-so who can always keep conversation going and is so witty and funny and makes the best jokes and is so social.  I always get hung up on that a lot.  Thinking that I am awkward and that I am a boring person whenever I am with a small group of people or just one other person.  I am afraid of them thinking that I am a boring person and they wish they were with somebody else. 

It can be hard to tell yourself that the way you are is okay, you bring something that one else can.  You are different for a reason, you connect with people a different way.  It’s not that I am awkward or boring, just different.

A lot of this can be because I love getting to know people.  Getting to know someone is such a journey, figuring out their past, why they are who they are today.  It’s such a mystery, and I love finding bits of information that they share and start figuring out the puzzle.  I have learned to never assume anything about somebody, or think you know them.  You don’t know their true thoughts and emotions and what they have or haven’t gone through, they have different opinions for a reason.  I love to see people open up, and that’s why I love asking questions and having meaningful conversations.  I like to ask why’s and how come’s, because it usually shares a part of them you didn’t know before.  That’s why I actually love getting to know new people, which I used to not before. 

So as much as I love the jokes, laughter, singing, and goofiness, which I do plenty of, I also love having meaningful conversation with people.  Conversation with give and take, a relationship.

I’m sure I probably sound all stupid as if I think I am soooo mature and wise, sorry ’bout that.




Opening up.

May 29, 2012

I finally got my new computer today (my old one broke a while ago) and I am so excited!  I am going to take goooood care of this one, I am not going to be stupid with it.  It has been harder to write posts because I have just been on my parents’ computers, and I do not want them to figure out about my blog some strange way.

I am not really sure what I feel like writing about today, so sorry for the possible ramblings and thoughts that spew out from my brain.  (I am also procrastinating on finishing my government paper, I would rather journal right now, professional writing can come later.)

So I have been wondering for a long time, do other people have awkward silences with their friends, or is it just me?  I am not saying with all my friends.  I have this friend that does not ditch me for her popular friends, although she likes being with them and she loves being cool.  She is a total introvert, and likes being with only one other person, but still likes to be in the crowd.  She offers me rides places, enjoys my company even though we do not always have constant conversation or whatever.  I just wish I knew if she did not enjoy this because I am not like her popular friends where they never shut up.  I just wish I knew what other people thought, what they think of silences.  I think they are fine, but I always feel like other people cannot stand them.  We are not best friends, but I respect how kind she is to me, and does not ditch me or think she is too cool for me even though she has her cool friends.  It is just nice to know that she is not like everyone I know.

Do you ever feel like there are certain things you cannot talk about when you are blogging?  That those thoughts are too awkward or you just cannot share them with the rest of the world?  I sometimes do that.  Mainly because I feel ashamed for some reason.  I am really trying to open up, I am.  I am like this with everything and everyone, I take time to open up to someone and really see who I am.  It will get better, I promise.  I mean, all of this stuff I would never share with most people, but there are still certain things that I find hard to post.  I have certain posts that are just in the draft stage.  Mainly because I was so angry or upset that I just had to write something and all my thoughts are irrational and emotional that I could not post it afterwards.  I just could not.  I knew I would feel stupid about it later.

Maybe that is it, I feel like I am being judged.  I guess, but that is stupid.  People get so used to being judged that it is not any different on the internet.  Even though I highly doubt more than two people actually read this blog.  I mean who wants to read a self absorbed diary?  I do not know if I would want to.  I mean I do like to read into other people’s thoughts, but I do not know if I could handle the ramblings that I do.  This is just where I like to spill.  Let my thoughts not stir up inside me and explode.  Which some of you may not even get because, like I said, I do not even post the ones that really make me vulnerable and reveal too much about me.

I am the same way with people.  I cannot figure out why some people can meet someone and become instant best friends.   It takes me forever to get to know people.  I have to figure out how I relate to the other person, I cannot let them know too much about me before I realize who they really are.  I have to figure out our dynamic and our relationship.

I like reading interesting blogs.  Well, actually I do not know what kind of blogs I like to read.  I know it when I read it I guess.  Like, I enjoy humorous blogs, but sometimes they get really old also.


I feel so depressed right now.  I cannot talk to anyone.  Not right now.  I know I would say the wrong thing, words be twisted, and people do not understand (well, they probably do, but I like whining about my teen angst, deal with it).

Why are people (and especially in my case, guys) so driven by looks?

Sorry I am not a Victoria’s Secret model.  Guys expect us to be the perfect height, completely hairless bodies, gorgeous long flowing hair, tanned skin, skinny but with hips butt and boobs, wear fashionable clothing, be independent and confident but still depend on the guy for everything, have a social and great personality to keep conversation to make him feel good or be quiet when he wants to talk, be smart but do not outsmart him, live in a rich house with an amazing social family, be sexy but not easy, wear the perfect amount of makeup, or whatever.

I do not know if it is just what I have gathered, but it always seems as though ugly girls have no chance.  There are so many beautiful girls, that the rest of us are screwed.  Every girl wants to be the one that a guy genuinely wants to be with.  People tell the ugly girls to just have a great personality, blah blah blah.  Well you know what? If a guy had the choice between an ugly girl with a personality, and a beautiful girl with a personality, guess which one is more desirable?  And when I say ugly, I do not always mean UGLY, I just mean anything not meeting the gorgeous standards and below.  I am not saying that I am necessarily ugly either, but I am definitely not first pick.  I have always wondered what it would be like to be desirable.  To be wanted, for both personality, morals, and looks.  Maybe it is just high school, but it seems so slim.  Okay, and not to sound like a jerk here, but then you see those weirdo girls that have a boyfriend and you are like WHAT THE WHAT!!?!??!

Now, I am perfectly fine with being single and not have guys wanting me (well, maybe not compleeeetely fine, but seriously, it is not the end of the world), but why does it have to be shoved in our faces.  More ways than one.


Guys think it is okay to harshly or nicely critique and comment on girls around girls – OKAY WE GET IT.  SHE IS EFFING HOT AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO HER ALL NIGHT.  WE ALL KNOW THAT KIM KARDASH IS SEXY, SAME WITH EVERY OTHER CELEBRITY.  YES, HER BOOBS COMPLETELY TURN YOU ON.  YOU COULD STARE AT HER BUTT ALL DAY, WE KNOW.  LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION TO YOUR GUY TIME, NOT IN FRONT OF INSECURE GIRLS.  YOU THINK IT IS OKAY TO ALSO SAY HOW UGLY A CERTAIN GIRL IS TOO.  SO WHAT IF HER PANTS DO NOT LOOK GOOD?  WHO CARES IF HER HAIR IS WHACK, WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO JUDGE WHO SHE IS??!?  EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK THESE THOUGHTS, STOP SAYING THEM IN FRONT OF GIRLS, THEY FEEL INSECURE AND FIGURE OUT YOU ARE A PHYSICAL DRIVEN JERK.  Like really?  When I think a guy is freaking hot, I tell my girl friends.  I feel awful when I say those things to guy friends.  I do not think any of my guy friends know how guy crazy I am, that is because I am polite to not say those things to guys.  It is rude, boring, lame, and annoying.  So why is it okay to say how sexy or ugly some girl is to me?  It is not.  Btw, just because I love looking at guys and love talking about them to my girls, does not mean that I would want to date them, I actually like to get to know people, sorry.

I will probably add to this post, but that is all my annoyed brain could conjure up right now.