August 11, 2011

Do you ever get that strange feeling of emptiness?  Not of hunger, but just feeling empty.  That nothing is going on in your head or body.  I have been feeling like that for 2 hours.  It’s a really weird feeling.  I’m not really depressed, but I am not happy or even satisfied.

I really don’t get emotions, you know?  Some days I am EXTREMELY social, fun, witty, etc.  It just comes super natural sometimes to talk to people and have a good time.  I love that side of me, I’m confident, nice, fun, and social. I can talk about anything that is given to me, I feel like I could be best friends with anyone that walks up to me, it’s this natural high for me.

And then I get in those weird moods, almost moods of feeling empty, but not quite.  I can’t talk to people and conversation feels forced.  I feel ugly, I start to compare myself to other people, I’m extremely awkward when talking to people, the whole works.  I pretty much become anti-social.  I hate those times, especially because I know I am in the mood, and I so badly don’t want to be in it because I run into awkward moments all over the place. I also have a negative attitude about myself, I tear myself down physically, and I make myself seem completely abnormal and dumb, even though that’s not true, nor does it matter.

I start to get paranoid if I have to be with someone alone, because then I feel like the spotlight is on me, that I have to be something that I am not, that I am not good enough for that person, that they will obviously find me boring and awkward and tell their friends that I am weird.

I just wonder why and how I can be so happy and fun one day, then sad and awkward the next day.  And it seems impossible to get out of either mood.  I wish I was fun Kelsey all the time.  If I figured out how to make myself like that all the time, I would.  I like being around myself when I am like that.  Maybe it’s who I am with that day, or what my day was like, I mean I am sure that has an influence on it.

Sorry if you think I care too much what people think of me, I try not to, but that’s my problem right now.