Empty and Gloomy Day

January 11, 2013

Today is one of those days.  One of those days you try to enjoy, you put so much effort in being happy and positive but it just feels so fake and forced.  You don’t know why you cannot seem to make conversation easily or why you seem so out of it.  You are not upset, but not happy.  These are the days I also feel bad about myself and begin the negative self-talk, which is never good.  Those always end up being my blog days.  Mainly because I do not want to talk to anyone, I feel left out and awkward and what I am feeling does not make sense, it is stupid – it is just an empty feeling, I am not really sad…I do not know. 

It is probably my teen angst coming to get me.  Or guilt.  Probably guilt.  I know what I am guilty for, and I still do not want to share it with my blog.  Maybe someday, but not yet.  It is probably a combination of the two.  Super.  I obviously need to talk to God.  Why do I ignore him?  Why do I brush him aside and think it is okay?  Why do I try to rely in other things when all I really need is him?  It is stupid.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start living for something/someone bigger than myself.  Obviously God has me blog for a reason.


By the way, I think about love, relationships, guys, romance, etc way too much.  I’m sorry, I’m a teenager girl living on a military base with practically all guys.  I need to stop watching chick flicks.  I just want a guy who is my best friend and who I love…is that too much to ask for?  I am so jealous of other relationships, I want what they have.  Like my sister and her husband.  But God has a plan and a purpose for me, I will know when I meet the one I am supposed to be with.  That does not mean I will not try to get to know guys, sometimes people think that when you say “God has a plan and a person for me” that I will give up on trying to get to know people, that’s false.  I just have to remember every relationship (romantic or not) has to be God-filled and he will guide me.


Sometimes I just want to be alone.  Be friends with myself.  Make jokes with myself, discover who I am.  That is my recharge time.  Whenever I have been around people for too long.

I neeeeeeeeeeeeed my alone time to recharge and self discovery.  I have to remember who I am, what I stand for, my likes and dislikes, and my personality. 

Sometimes being around people for too long and hearing their obnoxious ideas and opinions I have to remind myself who I am.


Maybe I will actually do laundry…and dishes…and clean my room…maybe.

Sorry this was too long.