Running on empty.

August 17, 2013

I’ve had a great week, but by my attitude it would seem like I had an awful one.  I’m so tired of being upset and depressed all the time.  I’m running on empty.

So I have this friend.  I care about her a lot and we are great friends.  I just can’t handle her negativity anymore.  It’s so draining, and it really upsets me how depressed it makes me.  Everything is about her, and her whiny problems.  She can’t see how good she has her life, she’s too busy pouting and throwing a tantrum about something stupid.  I don’t think she realizes how good she has it, she will always find an opportunity to be upset and find the negative.  If you even try to mention how ‘at least…(it’s nice out, we got out of work early) she will always shoot that down with something negative.  I hate it.  

I’m a happy person.  I’m a positive person.  A few years ago I decided to stop being negative, to stop finding all the wrong things I could about situations and realize how blessed and great my life really is.  Even if something wasn’t very great, if you had a good attitude about it and looked for the positives, it is never as bad as it seems.  That’s how I like to look at life.  It could be so much worse.  I know a lot of people never like to hear the “well at least it’s not *something worse than it already is* phrase” when they are upset or just want to vent, but that really helps me not get upset.  Lucky for me, that’s the exact phrase my friend hates to hear.  

Nothing will ever make her cheer up, unless everyone dropped everything to conform and grant to her stupid whiny wants.  

I just can’t handle it anymore.  Anymore I just have to pretend I sympathize (“yeah, I totally agree, that seriously sucks and is so not fair blah blah blah”), when I’m actually thinking, “wow, it’s not that bad, seriously grow up and deal”.  It’s almost everyday, like I said, it’s completely draining to pretend.  I shouldn’t have to, but if you don’t give her those responses she wants, she makes it seem like you don’t care about her or that you are just stupid for not realizing how bad it is.  It is easier to just go along with it, but it’s really starting to affect me.  It makes me depressed.  It makes me start to whine about things I used to never whine about.  It makes me more irritable and annoyed.  I hate it so much, but I don’t know what to do.

I’m tired of listening, pretending, and actually becoming.

Or am I just being selfish myself?


Saying Goodbye

April 19, 2013

This may or may not be another drafted posted for a while….I do that more than you realize.

Over the past 5 or so years, it keeps getting harder to say goodbye.  It started out with easy things like going to honor bands and meeting some people and spending all day for the few days with them, then saying goodbye, adding each other on facebook and never talking again.  Then I went to different music camps and conventions, and saying goodbye to people sucks.  You spend all that time trying to make friends and have a good time, then you leave them.  I will always cherish those relationships, but it just sucks that they kinda end. 

I always wonder what it would be like if I could continue those friendships.  Now being in the army, I am always saying goodbye to people.  I had to leave my family and best friends with snail mail contact, and now I only skype and very frequently visit because they live 20 hours driving time away.  Besides my family and my few best friends, I barely keep in contact with past friendships, which at times makes me really sad.  I try my best to text someone from a while back occasionally, but it just isn’t the same.  We meet people, then move on when we have to go.  I don’t know if I am becoming less of an introvert, but I love meeting people (only under certain circumstances, where I feel like I can be myself and if I am feeling extra social).  I do really appreciate the past friendships I made, it has made me much more social than I used to be.  It seems really sad, but sometimes I wonder, what’s the point of making these friendships when you just say goodbye?  Discovering more about humanity and yourself?  Feeling and making other people feel good for the time being?  Sharing your adventures, struggles, and laughter – I guess that’s important.  We need relationships, we thrive off of other people, how crazy is that.  We all need human contact, love, and relationships.  How strange is that?


Well, this may have been a stupid post.  I’ll just leave it at that.



Meaningful Conversation

April 14, 2013

Lately I have been trying really hard to stop comparing myself to others.  I realized how subconsciously I do it.  Sometimes I think I am so awkward when I talk to people and I wish I could be like so-and-so who can always keep conversation going and is so witty and funny and makes the best jokes and is so social.  I always get hung up on that a lot.  Thinking that I am awkward and that I am a boring person whenever I am with a small group of people or just one other person.  I am afraid of them thinking that I am a boring person and they wish they were with somebody else. 

It can be hard to tell yourself that the way you are is okay, you bring something that one else can.  You are different for a reason, you connect with people a different way.  It’s not that I am awkward or boring, just different.

A lot of this can be because I love getting to know people.  Getting to know someone is such a journey, figuring out their past, why they are who they are today.  It’s such a mystery, and I love finding bits of information that they share and start figuring out the puzzle.  I have learned to never assume anything about somebody, or think you know them.  You don’t know their true thoughts and emotions and what they have or haven’t gone through, they have different opinions for a reason.  I love to see people open up, and that’s why I love asking questions and having meaningful conversations.  I like to ask why’s and how come’s, because it usually shares a part of them you didn’t know before.  That’s why I actually love getting to know new people, which I used to not before. 

So as much as I love the jokes, laughter, singing, and goofiness, which I do plenty of, I also love having meaningful conversation with people.  Conversation with give and take, a relationship.

I’m sure I probably sound all stupid as if I think I am soooo mature and wise, sorry ’bout that.