Running on empty.

August 17, 2013

I’ve had a great week, but by my attitude it would seem like I had an awful one.  I’m so tired of being upset and depressed all the time.  I’m running on empty.

So I have this friend.  I care about her a lot and we are great friends.  I just can’t handle her negativity anymore.  It’s so draining, and it really upsets me how depressed it makes me.  Everything is about her, and her whiny problems.  She can’t see how good she has her life, she’s too busy pouting and throwing a tantrum about something stupid.  I don’t think she realizes how good she has it, she will always find an opportunity to be upset and find the negative.  If you even try to mention how ‘at least…(it’s nice out, we got out of work early) she will always shoot that down with something negative.  I hate it.  

I’m a happy person.  I’m a positive person.  A few years ago I decided to stop being negative, to stop finding all the wrong things I could about situations and realize how blessed and great my life really is.  Even if something wasn’t very great, if you had a good attitude about it and looked for the positives, it is never as bad as it seems.  That’s how I like to look at life.  It could be so much worse.  I know a lot of people never like to hear the “well at least it’s not *something worse than it already is* phrase” when they are upset or just want to vent, but that really helps me not get upset.  Lucky for me, that’s the exact phrase my friend hates to hear.  

Nothing will ever make her cheer up, unless everyone dropped everything to conform and grant to her stupid whiny wants.  

I just can’t handle it anymore.  Anymore I just have to pretend I sympathize (“yeah, I totally agree, that seriously sucks and is so not fair blah blah blah”), when I’m actually thinking, “wow, it’s not that bad, seriously grow up and deal”.  It’s almost everyday, like I said, it’s completely draining to pretend.  I shouldn’t have to, but if you don’t give her those responses she wants, she makes it seem like you don’t care about her or that you are just stupid for not realizing how bad it is.  It is easier to just go along with it, but it’s really starting to affect me.  It makes me depressed.  It makes me start to whine about things I used to never whine about.  It makes me more irritable and annoyed.  I hate it so much, but I don’t know what to do.

I’m tired of listening, pretending, and actually becoming.

Or am I just being selfish myself?


Saying Goodbye

April 19, 2013

This may or may not be another drafted posted for a while….I do that more than you realize.

Over the past 5 or so years, it keeps getting harder to say goodbye.  It started out with easy things like going to honor bands and meeting some people and spending all day for the few days with them, then saying goodbye, adding each other on facebook and never talking again.  Then I went to different music camps and conventions, and saying goodbye to people sucks.  You spend all that time trying to make friends and have a good time, then you leave them.  I will always cherish those relationships, but it just sucks that they kinda end. 

I always wonder what it would be like if I could continue those friendships.  Now being in the army, I am always saying goodbye to people.  I had to leave my family and best friends with snail mail contact, and now I only skype and very frequently visit because they live 20 hours driving time away.  Besides my family and my few best friends, I barely keep in contact with past friendships, which at times makes me really sad.  I try my best to text someone from a while back occasionally, but it just isn’t the same.  We meet people, then move on when we have to go.  I don’t know if I am becoming less of an introvert, but I love meeting people (only under certain circumstances, where I feel like I can be myself and if I am feeling extra social).  I do really appreciate the past friendships I made, it has made me much more social than I used to be.  It seems really sad, but sometimes I wonder, what’s the point of making these friendships when you just say goodbye?  Discovering more about humanity and yourself?  Feeling and making other people feel good for the time being?  Sharing your adventures, struggles, and laughter – I guess that’s important.  We need relationships, we thrive off of other people, how crazy is that.  We all need human contact, love, and relationships.  How strange is that?


Well, this may have been a stupid post.  I’ll just leave it at that.



Thunder Storm Rambles

March 30, 2012

Hello again, sorry for not posting in a while.  I’m not sure who I am sorry to, maybe myself?  It’s raining, thundering, and lightning.  I freaking love it. I like it the best when I am in my room in the dark listening to it.  It’s so much better.  That was a good thunder.  I have always been afraid that the trees that are teetering on top of my house will someday crash into my room.  If that happened I hope that I just die.  I do not want to live with permanent tree bark in my body, but that would be a cool story.  I just do not want the pain of it happening.  The hail is slightly bothering me though.  It keeps making sounds similar to a tree branch creaking.  It needs to stop, immediately.

Sometimes I wish I was better at conversation.  That people would feel relieved when they were around me because I am easy to talk to.  I feel like that is not the case.  I have one friend, Lauren, where conversation is soooo easy, and a few acquaintances that are easy to talk to.  Like with so many of my “friends”, it is still difficult to carry on decent conversation.  Vocalizing my thoughts and looking at things in a way that other people find funny is apparently difficult for me.  What made me so awkward and incompetent of normal conversation?

Okay, now look, I am not some social reject.  I have friends, and I can talk.  I just always feel like my conversation is forced out of me, posing as someone else to make others feel good.  It never ends up making real relationships, and it tires me out.

We have bee discussing posing in church these past couple weeks.  I found it quite interesting.  I have only ever related posing to the classical skater punk and middle school emo kid (sadly, I was one of those for a short time).  Now it’s an entirely different way.  Sometimes in show choir I feel the need to act super girly for everyone else.  It’s not that I am posing necessarily, but I just let my girly side let loose during show choir.  It is just easier to be girly there, than anywhere else.

I do not see what is wrong with applying certain parts of your personality to the situation.  People automatically assume that if you do not act the same everywhere you go and to every person you meet, that you are a complete fake.  That is not true at all.  You see it everyday where people go to work as a boss, and they are professional and boss people around, even though that is not their normal daily personality.  Does that mean they are a fake for being this way?  No!  It just means their are applying their professional and commanding side of themselves during work.  Then they might go to an evening party later and act a little more flirtatious and fun.  That is because it is the appropriate time to act this way.

Some people cannot grab this concept, honestly.  Like my soldier training sessions we have a member who has strange mannerisms and responds in creative and cooky ways.  That is fine and dandy, but not for the military.  My goal when I go to basic training is to be invisible.  He is setting himself up for failure because he acts goofy and his normal self around all these sergeants and he is going to be constantly made fun of for it.  When I go to these training sessions, I bring my tougher side of me out.  I am a strange person at times and act goofy and have fun, but people need to learn to control their personality.  Not in a fake way, but controlled.  I do not see what is so wrong with that.

Oh man, I am blubberriinn, I need to watch some nostalgia critic then go to bed.  Screw you letter proposal for advanced composition, I am doing my own thannngg.

By the way, I think this whole exercising thing is really working well for me.  I love me some endorphins, then I am all happy and way more social and fun.  Plus I feel better about my bodayyyyyyyyy.



Relaxful evening.

August 7, 2011

I’m pretty sure I have not been more for more than an hour or two since yesterday.  Today was fun though, finally had a good time with all of my friends.  No fighting, no tension, no gossiping about other friends, it was peaceful.  We spent all last night watching Pretty Little Liars, our television series of the moment.  I really like the show, it has a good story, despite ABC’s corny and exaggerated actors.  Then I spent the rest of the day being with my friends, and got home late after our freaking movie from Blockbuster stopped playing during the middle of the movie…

I didn’t realize that there was a storm going on until my friend took me home.  I think there is some heat lightning, because there is a lot of lightning but not a lot of thunder going with it.  I never knew about heat lightning until I went to camp in Kansas, crazy huh?  My friends were camped out in one of the girls’ room, watching the lightning, and worried (but laughing) when we saw people walking through all the rain and wind, and just enjoying ourselves and most likely being annoying to everyone else.

I miss those friends.  Another reason I love camp friends, you just enjoy each other’s company.  You don’t worry about history, past boyfriends or friends, drama, or gossiping.  It’s the very start of friendship, it’s so raw.  You find out who you click with, then hang out with them.  It hasn’t changed since we were able to make decisions about who we like and don’t like.

Sorry if I sound like some idiot thinking that I am so insightful and deep, I just feel so relaxed.  I am just listening to some relaxing Muse songs while watching the lightning out of my window.

This is the first time in forever I have slept with my shades all the way up.  I can’t wait to wake up with the sun shining in, I love having my window facing east!

I love this song a lot.  I really want this album in general.  My favorite part is the chorus, I always imagine some guy saying those words to me, looking deep into my eyes (corny, I know!).