Empty and Gloomy Day

January 11, 2013

Today is one of those days.  One of those days you try to enjoy, you put so much effort in being happy and positive but it just feels so fake and forced.  You don’t know why you cannot seem to make conversation easily or why you seem so out of it.  You are not upset, but not happy.  These are the days I also feel bad about myself and begin the negative self-talk, which is never good.  Those always end up being my blog days.  Mainly because I do not want to talk to anyone, I feel left out and awkward and what I am feeling does not make sense, it is stupid – it is just an empty feeling, I am not really sad…I do not know. 

It is probably my teen angst coming to get me.  Or guilt.  Probably guilt.  I know what I am guilty for, and I still do not want to share it with my blog.  Maybe someday, but not yet.  It is probably a combination of the two.  Super.  I obviously need to talk to God.  Why do I ignore him?  Why do I brush him aside and think it is okay?  Why do I try to rely in other things when all I really need is him?  It is stupid.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start living for something/someone bigger than myself.  Obviously God has me blog for a reason.

 

By the way, I think about love, relationships, guys, romance, etc way too much.  I’m sorry, I’m a teenager girl living on a military base with practically all guys.  I need to stop watching chick flicks.  I just want a guy who is my best friend and who I love…is that too much to ask for?  I am so jealous of other relationships, I want what they have.  Like my sister and her husband.  But God has a plan and a purpose for me, I will know when I meet the one I am supposed to be with.  That does not mean I will not try to get to know guys, sometimes people think that when you say “God has a plan and a person for me” that I will give up on trying to get to know people, that’s false.  I just have to remember every relationship (romantic or not) has to be God-filled and he will guide me.

 

Sometimes I just want to be alone.  Be friends with myself.  Make jokes with myself, discover who I am.  That is my recharge time.  Whenever I have been around people for too long.

I neeeeeeeeeeeeed my alone time to recharge and self discovery.  I have to remember who I am, what I stand for, my likes and dislikes, and my personality. 

Sometimes being around people for too long and hearing their obnoxious ideas and opinions I have to remind myself who I am.

 

Maybe I will actually do laundry…and dishes…and clean my room…maybe.

Sorry this was too long.

Later,

Kelsey.

Empty.

August 11, 2011

Do you ever get that strange feeling of emptiness?  Not of hunger, but just feeling empty.  That nothing is going on in your head or body.  I have been feeling like that for 2 hours.  It’s a really weird feeling.  I’m not really depressed, but I am not happy or even satisfied.

I really don’t get emotions, you know?  Some days I am EXTREMELY social, fun, witty, etc.  It just comes super natural sometimes to talk to people and have a good time.  I love that side of me, I’m confident, nice, fun, and social. I can talk about anything that is given to me, I feel like I could be best friends with anyone that walks up to me, it’s this natural high for me.

And then I get in those weird moods, almost moods of feeling empty, but not quite.  I can’t talk to people and conversation feels forced.  I feel ugly, I start to compare myself to other people, I’m extremely awkward when talking to people, the whole works.  I pretty much become anti-social.  I hate those times, especially because I know I am in the mood, and I so badly don’t want to be in it because I run into awkward moments all over the place. I also have a negative attitude about myself, I tear myself down physically, and I make myself seem completely abnormal and dumb, even though that’s not true, nor does it matter.

I start to get paranoid if I have to be with someone alone, because then I feel like the spotlight is on me, that I have to be something that I am not, that I am not good enough for that person, that they will obviously find me boring and awkward and tell their friends that I am weird.

I just wonder why and how I can be so happy and fun one day, then sad and awkward the next day.  And it seems impossible to get out of either mood.  I wish I was fun Kelsey all the time.  If I figured out how to make myself like that all the time, I would.  I like being around myself when I am like that.  Maybe it’s who I am with that day, or what my day was like, I mean I am sure that has an influence on it.

Sorry if you think I care too much what people think of me, I try not to, but that’s my problem right now.

Later,

Kelsey.