Meaningful Conversation

April 14, 2013

Lately I have been trying really hard to stop comparing myself to others.  I realized how subconsciously I do it.  Sometimes I think I am so awkward when I talk to people and I wish I could be like so-and-so who can always keep conversation going and is so witty and funny and makes the best jokes and is so social.  I always get hung up on that a lot.  Thinking that I am awkward and that I am a boring person whenever I am with a small group of people or just one other person.  I am afraid of them thinking that I am a boring person and they wish they were with somebody else. 

It can be hard to tell yourself that the way you are is okay, you bring something that one else can.  You are different for a reason, you connect with people a different way.  It’s not that I am awkward or boring, just different.

A lot of this can be because I love getting to know people.  Getting to know someone is such a journey, figuring out their past, why they are who they are today.  It’s such a mystery, and I love finding bits of information that they share and start figuring out the puzzle.  I have learned to never assume anything about somebody, or think you know them.  You don’t know their true thoughts and emotions and what they have or haven’t gone through, they have different opinions for a reason.  I love to see people open up, and that’s why I love asking questions and having meaningful conversations.  I like to ask why’s and how come’s, because it usually shares a part of them you didn’t know before.  That’s why I actually love getting to know new people, which I used to not before. 

So as much as I love the jokes, laughter, singing, and goofiness, which I do plenty of, I also love having meaningful conversation with people.  Conversation with give and take, a relationship.

I’m sure I probably sound all stupid as if I think I am soooo mature and wise, sorry ’bout that.





Thunder Storm Rambles

March 30, 2012

Hello again, sorry for not posting in a while.  I’m not sure who I am sorry to, maybe myself?  It’s raining, thundering, and lightning.  I freaking love it. I like it the best when I am in my room in the dark listening to it.  It’s so much better.  That was a good thunder.  I have always been afraid that the trees that are teetering on top of my house will someday crash into my room.  If that happened I hope that I just die.  I do not want to live with permanent tree bark in my body, but that would be a cool story.  I just do not want the pain of it happening.  The hail is slightly bothering me though.  It keeps making sounds similar to a tree branch creaking.  It needs to stop, immediately.

Sometimes I wish I was better at conversation.  That people would feel relieved when they were around me because I am easy to talk to.  I feel like that is not the case.  I have one friend, Lauren, where conversation is soooo easy, and a few acquaintances that are easy to talk to.  Like with so many of my “friends”, it is still difficult to carry on decent conversation.  Vocalizing my thoughts and looking at things in a way that other people find funny is apparently difficult for me.  What made me so awkward and incompetent of normal conversation?

Okay, now look, I am not some social reject.  I have friends, and I can talk.  I just always feel like my conversation is forced out of me, posing as someone else to make others feel good.  It never ends up making real relationships, and it tires me out.

We have bee discussing posing in church these past couple weeks.  I found it quite interesting.  I have only ever related posing to the classical skater punk and middle school emo kid (sadly, I was one of those for a short time).  Now it’s an entirely different way.  Sometimes in show choir I feel the need to act super girly for everyone else.  It’s not that I am posing necessarily, but I just let my girly side let loose during show choir.  It is just easier to be girly there, than anywhere else.

I do not see what is wrong with applying certain parts of your personality to the situation.  People automatically assume that if you do not act the same everywhere you go and to every person you meet, that you are a complete fake.  That is not true at all.  You see it everyday where people go to work as a boss, and they are professional and boss people around, even though that is not their normal daily personality.  Does that mean they are a fake for being this way?  No!  It just means their are applying their professional and commanding side of themselves during work.  Then they might go to an evening party later and act a little more flirtatious and fun.  That is because it is the appropriate time to act this way.

Some people cannot grab this concept, honestly.  Like my soldier training sessions we have a member who has strange mannerisms and responds in creative and cooky ways.  That is fine and dandy, but not for the military.  My goal when I go to basic training is to be invisible.  He is setting himself up for failure because he acts goofy and his normal self around all these sergeants and he is going to be constantly made fun of for it.  When I go to these training sessions, I bring my tougher side of me out.  I am a strange person at times and act goofy and have fun, but people need to learn to control their personality.  Not in a fake way, but controlled.  I do not see what is so wrong with that.

Oh man, I am blubberriinn, I need to watch some nostalgia critic then go to bed.  Screw you letter proposal for advanced composition, I am doing my own thannngg.

By the way, I think this whole exercising thing is really working well for me.  I love me some endorphins, then I am all happy and way more social and fun.  Plus I feel better about my bodayyyyyyyyy.