Lonely Walks.

March 30, 2013

I am getting ready to retire this blog.   Well, maybe I shouldn’t get rid of it completely…maybe just clean it up – spring clean!   What am I gonna do when I am no longer a teenager…?  Meh, I figure it out when I get there, but for right now I feel like writing, whether or not anyone is reading.

I have been in a crabby/sad rut this week.  A mixture of just seeing my families and friends the week before and leaving them and now on a painful time of the month (sorry), it’s just been a blah week.  Staying positive though, I really tried to stay positive!  I figure if I at least be positive then I usually don’t look back on that memory as bad, even though it was probably not fun at all. 

I haven’t felt like running at all (which probably isn’t a good thing, I have a PT test  this week…oops), and I am just losing patience with my friends here right now.  They are still my friends and I would never take that for granted, but I am just irritated and would rather not be around them right now.  I decided to take it upon myself to go for a walk, it is a gorgeous day.  I went on a really long trail where lots of runner, bikers, walkers, dog walkers, and families are all walking next to the river.  It’s stupid to drive out somewhere to go walk, but I just wanted to get away, get some sun and exercise.  I called my mom for about 30 minutes which was nice, I love talking to my mom.  Then I called my sister for only a few minutes because she was with her mother & sister in-law shopping, but she was glad I called and said hello, we both had the day off, and apparently it was really nice where she was too! 

Along my walk I met some adorable dogs that I got to say hello to and pet, so cute!  I had a nice conversation with a recent basic training graduate, we discussed army stuff, I felt bad, there was no one there with him…figured none of his family could go to his graduation, poor guy.  But he was real nice, talked about how he isn’t the brightest, but he wants to do well in the army, I respect that, he wants to better himself.  It was just nice to go on a walk, even if it was by myself, I met a few nice people.  Who knew I could talk to strangers?  I didn’t. 

I also love the older people who are there by themselves that either walk or just sit and watch the river.  They look so peaceful.  I wonder what they are thinking about.




Empty and Gloomy Day

January 11, 2013

Today is one of those days.  One of those days you try to enjoy, you put so much effort in being happy and positive but it just feels so fake and forced.  You don’t know why you cannot seem to make conversation easily or why you seem so out of it.  You are not upset, but not happy.  These are the days I also feel bad about myself and begin the negative self-talk, which is never good.  Those always end up being my blog days.  Mainly because I do not want to talk to anyone, I feel left out and awkward and what I am feeling does not make sense, it is stupid – it is just an empty feeling, I am not really sad…I do not know. 

It is probably my teen angst coming to get me.  Or guilt.  Probably guilt.  I know what I am guilty for, and I still do not want to share it with my blog.  Maybe someday, but not yet.  It is probably a combination of the two.  Super.  I obviously need to talk to God.  Why do I ignore him?  Why do I brush him aside and think it is okay?  Why do I try to rely in other things when all I really need is him?  It is stupid.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start living for something/someone bigger than myself.  Obviously God has me blog for a reason.


By the way, I think about love, relationships, guys, romance, etc way too much.  I’m sorry, I’m a teenager girl living on a military base with practically all guys.  I need to stop watching chick flicks.  I just want a guy who is my best friend and who I love…is that too much to ask for?  I am so jealous of other relationships, I want what they have.  Like my sister and her husband.  But God has a plan and a purpose for me, I will know when I meet the one I am supposed to be with.  That does not mean I will not try to get to know guys, sometimes people think that when you say “God has a plan and a person for me” that I will give up on trying to get to know people, that’s false.  I just have to remember every relationship (romantic or not) has to be God-filled and he will guide me.


Sometimes I just want to be alone.  Be friends with myself.  Make jokes with myself, discover who I am.  That is my recharge time.  Whenever I have been around people for too long.

I neeeeeeeeeeeeed my alone time to recharge and self discovery.  I have to remember who I am, what I stand for, my likes and dislikes, and my personality. 

Sometimes being around people for too long and hearing their obnoxious ideas and opinions I have to remind myself who I am.


Maybe I will actually do laundry…and dishes…and clean my room…maybe.

Sorry this was too long.



Music mood.

May 1, 2012

I am in a music mood.  It’s a mood where everyone is annoying the crap out of you and all you want to do is be completely taken over by a song.  I want to live in it and feel it.  I always forget how much people disappoint me.  I forget that my morals, standards, and views are not the same as others.  I mean I am not stupid.  It is not that I think that everyone is the same as me, I totally get that everyone has their own definition of right and wrong and whatever.  I just become disappointed when it is a friend that proves that they are not want I thought they were.  I mean that is just discovering people.  That is why I do not like to get too close to people too soon.  I enjoy discovering their personalities, figuring out just what kind of person they really are.  Yeah, it is fun to meet people for the first time and become instant friends, but I want more than that.  I want a relationship, I want someone where conversation (or no conversation) is comfortable.  I just forget that not everyone is who they show they are.

It is not that they are liars, it is that they reserved that side of them apparently.  Which I do respect, but I hate the feeling of disappointment.  I have no idea if this makes sense, I am just rambling because I swear if my mom interrupts my music listening one more time I will go insane.

Here’s a song that I wish I could live in: (not necessarily the music video, just the song)

Alex Clare has such souullll.  I freaking love it.  I do not know if I have mentioned it, but my favorite band of all time is MUSE.  I really do not listen to a lot of pop (not mainstream, I mean just any music).  I always wonder how people have so much time to research all these music artists and find all these obscure ones that suddenly become famous.  When I am driving with people in their car, I for some reason do not know half of the songs that everyone apparently loves.  No, I am not some hipster, I do not like crappy hipster music.  I just like what I like.

I am also totally obsessed with the Chopin Ballades, namely No.1 and 2.




September 2, 2011

I really just want my senior year to be done with.  I’m tired of going through the motions.  I am tired of pretending that I am this happy and cheery person all the time.  I’m tired of feeling like I am not good enough.  I feel so alone.

I don’t really have any close friends.  I have a few good friends, but no one that I could hang out with alone and feel totally comfortable with.  There have been only two people (outside of family) that I felt totally comfortable to be with, and they are gone.  Well, one was a previous best friend, but we don’t talk anymore.  The other is in college, I miss him a lot.

I honestly do not like him, let me make that clear.  I just miss talking to him, and having random times.  Conversations never felt forced or fake, they were always so natural.  I always felt so comfortable around him.  I miss having someone that I related to so well, but we also had our diagreements.  I miss playing video games together, and geeking out.  I miss talking about our nerdy and emo middle school days, when we played in a “rock band” together (we actually played in a band, he still is in it today, but it’s not as sucky).  I’ve known him for so long.  We could not talk for weeks, but still know we are best friends the second we finally saw each other.  I miss having jazz band together.  I miss having him in choir with me.  I miss our inside jokes.  I miss knowing that he is there for me.  I miss being able to tell him anything.  I miss not caring that he had a zillion other friends, because he still made time to be my friend.  I miss not caring what I looked like or wore, because he didn’t care, and looked just as stupid as I did.    I feel so alone.

Not having a friend to turn to sucks.

Not that I don’t love when my “friends” make plans to have lunch together, hang out, or talk about inside jokes in front of me, buuuuut I really hate it.  I get it, you guys are normal enough to not be awkward, and that you don’t do anything so you can hang out all the time.  But I really don’t want to hear about it.  I try so hard not to do that to people, it’s so rude.  It’s my favorite when I hear my “friends” asking their friends if they want to go out for lunch during open lunch at school and I just stand there.  Or when they talk about plans they are making for Friday night, and how fun they will be, that’s pretty awesome to listen to.  Or when they talk about how fun Friday night was, that’s the best.

I know I am an awkward person.  I know that people don’t want to be good friends with me.  I know that people only want to hang out with me when their best friend isn’t around.  You don’t have to make it so dang obvious.  I’m not stupid.

I just have to make the most of it.  I’m really not this negative in real life, I just need to vent to someone and not care whether or not I am exaggerating or being dubm.


I really miss him.  We promised that we would be friends until we are 70.  I hope that proves true.



Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I can’t sleep.  I don’t think I want to sleep tonight.  I’m going to listen to Colplay and Muse while I read other blogs.