Lately I have been down on myself.  Everything from personality, looks, clothes, money, and most things normal teenage girls worry about.  I always go through these weird phases for long periods where I
criticize everything about me.  Those periods are full of jealousy of others, and hatred towards myself, it is so frustrating.  Sometimes I cannot get out of it for awhile.  Somehow I realize how stupid I have been and stop worrying about it.  I wonder if this happens to other people.  When I snap out of it, I am perfectly fine with myself and do not give a crap if people are judging me.

Right now I think I am finally snapping back out of it.  I needed something different, and my hair was frustrating the crap outta me, so I finally just cut it.  Nothing drastic, I just looked up some videos on cutting layers on yourself, so I did it.  I already feel better (not that hair cuts should change your perspective, but they definitely help), then I did some bible reading, homework, and practiced piano and french horn.  I also loved the alone time when cutting my hair, I always LOVE my alone time.

I really love reading my bible, I need to more.  The answer to all my questions and uncertainties I have about myself or God are all in there, I just do not give the effort.  In order to develop this relationship, I have to put effort into it.  Plus when I am at basic training, I want to be able to also be a soldier of God and remember where my heart truly rests.

So I stopped freaking out about my appearance, hopefully that will stop for awhile.  I just have to be strong, stop worrying and comparing myself to other people.  I also have this unconscious thought that I am not good enough for the stupid high school guys because they do not want me…see, this is why I need to realize how stupid I am sometimes.

Ugh, school is almost over.  I have so much to do, but I am somehow not panicking yet.  This is probably a bad thing.

By the way, you should listen to Lola Astonova.  She is this gorgeous russian pianist on youtube, and she is beyond amazing.  This is my favorite song right now.   Oh how I wish I did not have hands the size of a 7 year old so I could play Rachmaninoff.




Time for Wasting Time

April 2, 2012

I love the cliche saying of “there’s not enough hours in a day”.  There really is not.  All sorts of experts, professionals, employers, family members, doctors, friends telling you all these things you have to get done in a day.  It really is quite insane all the activities we feel we have to get done in a day.  Sleeping 8-10 hours, eating healthy – cooking each meal, brushing your teeth for 2 minutes, showering, putting on make up, getting dressed, driving to school or work, going through school or work, extra activities – errands – jobs, homework, time with friends and family, a sit down dinner that was cooked, doing dishes – laundry – cleaning the house, taking care of the family pet, go grocery shopping, run errands, drive people places, getting exercise in.  I honestly do not know how humans have time to do all the things that society requires us to do, but somehow we do.  I wish we did not have to spread ourselves that thin.

I just want time to waste time.  I want to watch hilarious videos all day.  Ever heard of the nostalgia critic?  He creates hilarious videos that I could watch all day with my mom or dad (with the disclaimer that he is occasionally inappropriate).  I could do all sorts of stupid things on the internet, like watch let’s plays, read comics, watch youtube videos for hours, etc.  I would watch television for days, play video games with my siblings, and search for new singers and artists to add to my playlist because I do not listen to very many people.  I would listen to music and dance more often.  I would take walks with my dog and my parents more and not worry about coming home at a certain time.  I would play french horn with my mom while she played flute more often.  I would read more books and watch more movies with my family.  I would eat dinner with my family and play board games with them.  I would wander the mall for hours and try on clothes, listen to music, smell foods, go to candy stores, try on make up, etc.  I would clean up the house for fun.  I would call a friend.  I would learn to knit from my mom and we would knit a blanket together.  I would ride my bike, and bake all sorts of cookies with my mom in her kitchen aid mixer.

I wish there was more time to be bored.  I love my hectic life and having it filled with fun but busy activities, but I so badly want to relax.  I want to be bored for a while.  I do not want pressures or expectations for a few weeks.  Just a couple weeks, then I would want it to end.  I just want to live in this wonderland of freedom and simplicity.  I guess I just have to wait until heaven?

I think the government should implement a national Bored Week/Day.  Well, maybe you would not have to title it that.  It would be like a sabbath week, in a way?  A do whatever your heart desires without worrying about what is coming up week.  That would be so convenient.  Maybe my introvert side is just coming out right now, but that sounds so relaxing, I am such a homebody sometimes.

It is getting so incredibly late.  I do not want to sleep.  I want to waste time.  Well, hopefully I will fall asleep.



Band Camp

June 27, 2011

Hello everyone, I’m back again!  I forgot to let you in on the fact that I was going to band camp this past week.  Why?  Weeeell, my dad didn’t decide to sign me up for it until three days before the camp started, so it was pretty short notice.  No I did NOT forget about the blog, I just was gone, I swear!

Camp was really fun, I love going to band camps.  I’ve probably gone to like 5 or 6 of them, I don’t even know anymore.  They are so fun, I get to play on my instrument for hours on end in a band with amazing players (better than my highschool), and I get to meet so many random people.

It’s just so different from everyday life.  It’s finally okay to just go up to someone and talk to them because EVERYONE is alone, or maybe only with one other person.  It’s thrilling and exciting, you become new to everyone, no one has ever met you, the friendship is new, and develops so fast.  I already miss my friends at camp a ton.  Yes, it is only 5 days, but you spend every free moment together, which really adds up to quite a few hours, and then a close relationship.

That’s the only depressing thing (besides costing a lot of money), you spend all week making these amazing friends, then you have to go across the country and leave them.  Man, what would we do without the internet or cell phones, I would never see or talk to these people again!

Band camps have made me more social than I was before.  It becomes easier to find things to talk about with people and make friends.  I used to be so shy and never knew the right thing to say.  I’m still not a social butterfly or anything, but I can hold a decent conversation.

By the waaaaaay, I got Best Brass Player of the Week, so BAM!


NOTICE:  I will be leaving AGAIN in two days, I’m going to the Dells with some friends (with the friend who I wrote about earlier…we are “good” now)  Buuuut hopefully it will be fun, I am not going to complain about a practically free trip there sooooo.