Lately I have been down on myself.  Everything from personality, looks, clothes, money, and most things normal teenage girls worry about.  I always go through these weird phases for long periods where I
criticize everything about me.  Those periods are full of jealousy of others, and hatred towards myself, it is so frustrating.  Sometimes I cannot get out of it for awhile.  Somehow I realize how stupid I have been and stop worrying about it.  I wonder if this happens to other people.  When I snap out of it, I am perfectly fine with myself and do not give a crap if people are judging me.

Right now I think I am finally snapping back out of it.  I needed something different, and my hair was frustrating the crap outta me, so I finally just cut it.  Nothing drastic, I just looked up some videos on cutting layers on yourself, so I did it.  I already feel better (not that hair cuts should change your perspective, but they definitely help), then I did some bible reading, homework, and practiced piano and french horn.  I also loved the alone time when cutting my hair, I always LOVE my alone time.

I really love reading my bible, I need to more.  The answer to all my questions and uncertainties I have about myself or God are all in there, I just do not give the effort.  In order to develop this relationship, I have to put effort into it.  Plus when I am at basic training, I want to be able to also be a soldier of God and remember where my heart truly rests.

So I stopped freaking out about my appearance, hopefully that will stop for awhile.  I just have to be strong, stop worrying and comparing myself to other people.  I also have this unconscious thought that I am not good enough for the stupid high school guys because they do not want me…see, this is why I need to realize how stupid I am sometimes.

Ugh, school is almost over.  I have so much to do, but I am somehow not panicking yet.  This is probably a bad thing.

By the way, you should listen to Lola Astonova.  She is this gorgeous russian pianist on youtube, and she is beyond amazing.  This is my favorite song right now.   Oh how I wish I did not have hands the size of a 7 year old so I could play Rachmaninoff.




For a person who is going into music in the future (I am joining the Army Band), I really do not listen to a lot of music.  I always try to get into listening to new bands and songs, but I just cannot do it.  I always have this inclination that I have build a relationship with the band/singer before I can really listen to their music.  It took me over a year of listening to MUSE before I considered myself a genuine MUSE fan.  Their have been bands in the past that I will have a month obsession with, then realize how lame they really are and stop listening to them.  I always feel the need to love every song before I consider myself a fan.  There is a feeling of disappointment when a band I start getting interested in has a song that I do not care for.  It is like developing a new friendship with someone, and then realizing that they have some nasty habit of excessive drinking, it is just so disappointing.

I am not saying that I do not accept flaws of others, it is just always depressing to think you knew someone, but that is what you get for assuming, right?  Anyway, back on to music…

I can honestly say that I cannot find a song I dislike by MUSE.  I have my favorites, and songs that I just do not listen to as much, but I do not think I hate any of their songs.  Even if I were to find one that I do not like now, it is too late, I am already sucked into the MUSE obsession.

I am going to start with my beginnings of my MUSE obsession.  I mainly stumbled upon it when my brother in-law had me listen to a song of theirs.  He has a huuuge music collection that I am jealous of, but my relationship with music distracts me from creating that collection.  I listened to one of the songs, instantly loved it, asked the group name.  Thank goodness it was an easy band name, not some complicated lengthy phrase.

The next few days I started looking up MUSE on youtube (mainly because the lack of owning itunes, and not wanting to commit to buying something yet) and my very first song of theirs was Uprising.  I mean it is the first or second song when you search it in, so I thought I would try it.  I loved it instantly and I almost burnt it out now because I loved it so much.  I kept researching this band, and I knew it was for me.  It sounds stupid, but I felt overwhelmed at first, but I loved getting to know the band.  I looked up all their albums so I knew them in chronological order, I was obsessed.

I am obsessed Matt Bellamy, he has a voice like nothing I have ever heard or loved before.  Some people hate on his excessive breathing (gasping), but I feel like it adds passion to his performance.  Plus, I respect that he’s using as much air as he can get in order to sing.  I sound exactly like that (maybe not as gaspy sounding…) when I play french horn or sing.  I love that he played the piano, and he is frickin good at it.  I also love that his voice can be sexy and sultry but also sweet and gentile.  His voice can also sound powerful, tearful, hopeless, or passionate.  He is just so emotional with everything he sings.  And his range is insane.  Now, I am in love with low voices, basses and baritones, but I cannot pass up his amazing voice.

I love that their newer albums are adding in more classical influences.  I love their Rachmaninoff influences, the giant chords and intense passages.  I also love the Chopin inserts and influences.  In United States of Eurasia, they straight up put the Chopin Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 in it.  It is kind of a cliche nocturne, but it is still gorgeous.  Plus, Chopin is inching as my favorite piano composer, Brahms needs to watch out.  The Exogensis Symphony is such an improvement from their punky rock days, which I still love listening to.  Considering it is the band’s first symphony, I totally respect them for it.  Not that it is Tchaikovsky, Rossini, or Brahms, but it is not like their are very many new symphonies being written by these guys….

My dream, (besides just seeing them in concert, I hear their unreal to see live) would to play french horn in their band.  Just during the orchestra works, then just listen to them the rest of time.

I cannot wait for them to release another album, I hope they do not disappoint.

By the way, if anyone wants to donate MUSE cds to me, I would probably love you for the rest of my life.


I could keep rambling forever, but I really need to stop.  This is what happens why I stay up late.

Enjoy one of their many amazing songs.




I feel so depressed right now.  I cannot talk to anyone.  Not right now.  I know I would say the wrong thing, words be twisted, and people do not understand (well, they probably do, but I like whining about my teen angst, deal with it).

Why are people (and especially in my case, guys) so driven by looks?

Sorry I am not a Victoria’s Secret model.  Guys expect us to be the perfect height, completely hairless bodies, gorgeous long flowing hair, tanned skin, skinny but with hips butt and boobs, wear fashionable clothing, be independent and confident but still depend on the guy for everything, have a social and great personality to keep conversation to make him feel good or be quiet when he wants to talk, be smart but do not outsmart him, live in a rich house with an amazing social family, be sexy but not easy, wear the perfect amount of makeup, or whatever.

I do not know if it is just what I have gathered, but it always seems as though ugly girls have no chance.  There are so many beautiful girls, that the rest of us are screwed.  Every girl wants to be the one that a guy genuinely wants to be with.  People tell the ugly girls to just have a great personality, blah blah blah.  Well you know what? If a guy had the choice between an ugly girl with a personality, and a beautiful girl with a personality, guess which one is more desirable?  And when I say ugly, I do not always mean UGLY, I just mean anything not meeting the gorgeous standards and below.  I am not saying that I am necessarily ugly either, but I am definitely not first pick.  I have always wondered what it would be like to be desirable.  To be wanted, for both personality, morals, and looks.  Maybe it is just high school, but it seems so slim.  Okay, and not to sound like a jerk here, but then you see those weirdo girls that have a boyfriend and you are like WHAT THE WHAT!!?!??!

Now, I am perfectly fine with being single and not have guys wanting me (well, maybe not compleeeetely fine, but seriously, it is not the end of the world), but why does it have to be shoved in our faces.  More ways than one.


Guys think it is okay to harshly or nicely critique and comment on girls around girls – OKAY WE GET IT.  SHE IS EFFING HOT AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO HER ALL NIGHT.  WE ALL KNOW THAT KIM KARDASH IS SEXY, SAME WITH EVERY OTHER CELEBRITY.  YES, HER BOOBS COMPLETELY TURN YOU ON.  YOU COULD STARE AT HER BUTT ALL DAY, WE KNOW.  LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION TO YOUR GUY TIME, NOT IN FRONT OF INSECURE GIRLS.  YOU THINK IT IS OKAY TO ALSO SAY HOW UGLY A CERTAIN GIRL IS TOO.  SO WHAT IF HER PANTS DO NOT LOOK GOOD?  WHO CARES IF HER HAIR IS WHACK, WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO JUDGE WHO SHE IS??!?  EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK THESE THOUGHTS, STOP SAYING THEM IN FRONT OF GIRLS, THEY FEEL INSECURE AND FIGURE OUT YOU ARE A PHYSICAL DRIVEN JERK.  Like really?  When I think a guy is freaking hot, I tell my girl friends.  I feel awful when I say those things to guy friends.  I do not think any of my guy friends know how guy crazy I am, that is because I am polite to not say those things to guys.  It is rude, boring, lame, and annoying.  So why is it okay to say how sexy or ugly some girl is to me?  It is not.  Btw, just because I love looking at guys and love talking about them to my girls, does not mean that I would want to date them, I actually like to get to know people, sorry.

I will probably add to this post, but that is all my annoyed brain could conjure up right now.



Music mood.

May 1, 2012

I am in a music mood.  It’s a mood where everyone is annoying the crap out of you and all you want to do is be completely taken over by a song.  I want to live in it and feel it.  I always forget how much people disappoint me.  I forget that my morals, standards, and views are not the same as others.  I mean I am not stupid.  It is not that I think that everyone is the same as me, I totally get that everyone has their own definition of right and wrong and whatever.  I just become disappointed when it is a friend that proves that they are not want I thought they were.  I mean that is just discovering people.  That is why I do not like to get too close to people too soon.  I enjoy discovering their personalities, figuring out just what kind of person they really are.  Yeah, it is fun to meet people for the first time and become instant friends, but I want more than that.  I want a relationship, I want someone where conversation (or no conversation) is comfortable.  I just forget that not everyone is who they show they are.

It is not that they are liars, it is that they reserved that side of them apparently.  Which I do respect, but I hate the feeling of disappointment.  I have no idea if this makes sense, I am just rambling because I swear if my mom interrupts my music listening one more time I will go insane.

Here’s a song that I wish I could live in: (not necessarily the music video, just the song)

Alex Clare has such souullll.  I freaking love it.  I do not know if I have mentioned it, but my favorite band of all time is MUSE.  I really do not listen to a lot of pop (not mainstream, I mean just any music).  I always wonder how people have so much time to research all these music artists and find all these obscure ones that suddenly become famous.  When I am driving with people in their car, I for some reason do not know half of the songs that everyone apparently loves.  No, I am not some hipster, I do not like crappy hipster music.  I just like what I like.

I am also totally obsessed with the Chopin Ballades, namely No.1 and 2.