Lately I have been down on myself.  Everything from personality, looks, clothes, money, and most things normal teenage girls worry about.  I always go through these weird phases for long periods where I
criticize everything about me.  Those periods are full of jealousy of others, and hatred towards myself, it is so frustrating.  Sometimes I cannot get out of it for awhile.  Somehow I realize how stupid I have been and stop worrying about it.  I wonder if this happens to other people.  When I snap out of it, I am perfectly fine with myself and do not give a crap if people are judging me.

Right now I think I am finally snapping back out of it.  I needed something different, and my hair was frustrating the crap outta me, so I finally just cut it.  Nothing drastic, I just looked up some videos on cutting layers on yourself, so I did it.  I already feel better (not that hair cuts should change your perspective, but they definitely help), then I did some bible reading, homework, and practiced piano and french horn.  I also loved the alone time when cutting my hair, I always LOVE my alone time.

I really love reading my bible, I need to more.  The answer to all my questions and uncertainties I have about myself or God are all in there, I just do not give the effort.  In order to develop this relationship, I have to put effort into it.  Plus when I am at basic training, I want to be able to also be a soldier of God and remember where my heart truly rests.

So I stopped freaking out about my appearance, hopefully that will stop for awhile.  I just have to be strong, stop worrying and comparing myself to other people.  I also have this unconscious thought that I am not good enough for the stupid high school guys because they do not want me…see, this is why I need to realize how stupid I am sometimes.

Ugh, school is almost over.  I have so much to do, but I am somehow not panicking yet.  This is probably a bad thing.

By the way, you should listen to Lola Astonova.  She is this gorgeous russian pianist on youtube, and she is beyond amazing.  This is my favorite song right now.   Oh how I wish I did not have hands the size of a 7 year old so I could play Rachmaninoff.




I feel so depressed right now.  I cannot talk to anyone.  Not right now.  I know I would say the wrong thing, words be twisted, and people do not understand (well, they probably do, but I like whining about my teen angst, deal with it).

Why are people (and especially in my case, guys) so driven by looks?

Sorry I am not a Victoria’s Secret model.  Guys expect us to be the perfect height, completely hairless bodies, gorgeous long flowing hair, tanned skin, skinny but with hips butt and boobs, wear fashionable clothing, be independent and confident but still depend on the guy for everything, have a social and great personality to keep conversation to make him feel good or be quiet when he wants to talk, be smart but do not outsmart him, live in a rich house with an amazing social family, be sexy but not easy, wear the perfect amount of makeup, or whatever.

I do not know if it is just what I have gathered, but it always seems as though ugly girls have no chance.  There are so many beautiful girls, that the rest of us are screwed.  Every girl wants to be the one that a guy genuinely wants to be with.  People tell the ugly girls to just have a great personality, blah blah blah.  Well you know what? If a guy had the choice between an ugly girl with a personality, and a beautiful girl with a personality, guess which one is more desirable?  And when I say ugly, I do not always mean UGLY, I just mean anything not meeting the gorgeous standards and below.  I am not saying that I am necessarily ugly either, but I am definitely not first pick.  I have always wondered what it would be like to be desirable.  To be wanted, for both personality, morals, and looks.  Maybe it is just high school, but it seems so slim.  Okay, and not to sound like a jerk here, but then you see those weirdo girls that have a boyfriend and you are like WHAT THE WHAT!!?!??!

Now, I am perfectly fine with being single and not have guys wanting me (well, maybe not compleeeetely fine, but seriously, it is not the end of the world), but why does it have to be shoved in our faces.  More ways than one.


Guys think it is okay to harshly or nicely critique and comment on girls around girls – OKAY WE GET IT.  SHE IS EFFING HOT AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO HER ALL NIGHT.  WE ALL KNOW THAT KIM KARDASH IS SEXY, SAME WITH EVERY OTHER CELEBRITY.  YES, HER BOOBS COMPLETELY TURN YOU ON.  YOU COULD STARE AT HER BUTT ALL DAY, WE KNOW.  LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION TO YOUR GUY TIME, NOT IN FRONT OF INSECURE GIRLS.  YOU THINK IT IS OKAY TO ALSO SAY HOW UGLY A CERTAIN GIRL IS TOO.  SO WHAT IF HER PANTS DO NOT LOOK GOOD?  WHO CARES IF HER HAIR IS WHACK, WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO JUDGE WHO SHE IS??!?  EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK THESE THOUGHTS, STOP SAYING THEM IN FRONT OF GIRLS, THEY FEEL INSECURE AND FIGURE OUT YOU ARE A PHYSICAL DRIVEN JERK.  Like really?  When I think a guy is freaking hot, I tell my girl friends.  I feel awful when I say those things to guy friends.  I do not think any of my guy friends know how guy crazy I am, that is because I am polite to not say those things to guys.  It is rude, boring, lame, and annoying.  So why is it okay to say how sexy or ugly some girl is to me?  It is not.  Btw, just because I love looking at guys and love talking about them to my girls, does not mean that I would want to date them, I actually like to get to know people, sorry.

I will probably add to this post, but that is all my annoyed brain could conjure up right now.



Music mood.

May 1, 2012

I am in a music mood.  It’s a mood where everyone is annoying the crap out of you and all you want to do is be completely taken over by a song.  I want to live in it and feel it.  I always forget how much people disappoint me.  I forget that my morals, standards, and views are not the same as others.  I mean I am not stupid.  It is not that I think that everyone is the same as me, I totally get that everyone has their own definition of right and wrong and whatever.  I just become disappointed when it is a friend that proves that they are not want I thought they were.  I mean that is just discovering people.  That is why I do not like to get too close to people too soon.  I enjoy discovering their personalities, figuring out just what kind of person they really are.  Yeah, it is fun to meet people for the first time and become instant friends, but I want more than that.  I want a relationship, I want someone where conversation (or no conversation) is comfortable.  I just forget that not everyone is who they show they are.

It is not that they are liars, it is that they reserved that side of them apparently.  Which I do respect, but I hate the feeling of disappointment.  I have no idea if this makes sense, I am just rambling because I swear if my mom interrupts my music listening one more time I will go insane.

Here’s a song that I wish I could live in: (not necessarily the music video, just the song)

Alex Clare has such souullll.  I freaking love it.  I do not know if I have mentioned it, but my favorite band of all time is MUSE.  I really do not listen to a lot of pop (not mainstream, I mean just any music).  I always wonder how people have so much time to research all these music artists and find all these obscure ones that suddenly become famous.  When I am driving with people in their car, I for some reason do not know half of the songs that everyone apparently loves.  No, I am not some hipster, I do not like crappy hipster music.  I just like what I like.

I am also totally obsessed with the Chopin Ballades, namely No.1 and 2.



Time for Wasting Time

April 2, 2012

I love the cliche saying of “there’s not enough hours in a day”.  There really is not.  All sorts of experts, professionals, employers, family members, doctors, friends telling you all these things you have to get done in a day.  It really is quite insane all the activities we feel we have to get done in a day.  Sleeping 8-10 hours, eating healthy – cooking each meal, brushing your teeth for 2 minutes, showering, putting on make up, getting dressed, driving to school or work, going through school or work, extra activities – errands – jobs, homework, time with friends and family, a sit down dinner that was cooked, doing dishes – laundry – cleaning the house, taking care of the family pet, go grocery shopping, run errands, drive people places, getting exercise in.  I honestly do not know how humans have time to do all the things that society requires us to do, but somehow we do.  I wish we did not have to spread ourselves that thin.

I just want time to waste time.  I want to watch hilarious videos all day.  Ever heard of the nostalgia critic?  He creates hilarious videos that I could watch all day with my mom or dad (with the disclaimer that he is occasionally inappropriate).  I could do all sorts of stupid things on the internet, like watch let’s plays, read comics, watch youtube videos for hours, etc.  I would watch television for days, play video games with my siblings, and search for new singers and artists to add to my playlist because I do not listen to very many people.  I would listen to music and dance more often.  I would take walks with my dog and my parents more and not worry about coming home at a certain time.  I would play french horn with my mom while she played flute more often.  I would read more books and watch more movies with my family.  I would eat dinner with my family and play board games with them.  I would wander the mall for hours and try on clothes, listen to music, smell foods, go to candy stores, try on make up, etc.  I would clean up the house for fun.  I would call a friend.  I would learn to knit from my mom and we would knit a blanket together.  I would ride my bike, and bake all sorts of cookies with my mom in her kitchen aid mixer.

I wish there was more time to be bored.  I love my hectic life and having it filled with fun but busy activities, but I so badly want to relax.  I want to be bored for a while.  I do not want pressures or expectations for a few weeks.  Just a couple weeks, then I would want it to end.  I just want to live in this wonderland of freedom and simplicity.  I guess I just have to wait until heaven?

I think the government should implement a national Bored Week/Day.  Well, maybe you would not have to title it that.  It would be like a sabbath week, in a way?  A do whatever your heart desires without worrying about what is coming up week.  That would be so convenient.  Maybe my introvert side is just coming out right now, but that sounds so relaxing, I am such a homebody sometimes.

It is getting so incredibly late.  I do not want to sleep.  I want to waste time.  Well, hopefully I will fall asleep.



Things I like.

March 31, 2012

A compilation of things I like.  Hey, maybe some of you like to do these things to, let me know.  Make your own compilation of things you like.  I find it quite relaxing and fun.  I will periodically keep adding to it.

Nostalgia critic videos

Watching beauty guru videos

Riding bikes around the neighborhood

Watching studio session recordings

Listening to soundtracks

Blogging, when I get around it and I am in the mood

Reading interesting books

Watching Glenn Beck back when it was on

Reading Harry Potter

Fixing my hair like crazy when someone attractive is around

Playing DDR

Watching the news when I am in a newsy mood

Playing Zelda with a friend or family member

Dancing in my room or house like a crazy person

Shopping with money

Sending and receiving funny picture messages

Warm baths

Waking up peacefully in the morning


Learning American History

Playing the french horn and getting better at it

Watching Disney movies

Talking about toots

Wearing my snuggie that my sister got me


When my hair looks good

Being in a good mood

Going to Village Inn with my friends and having my favorite waiter Collin

Tooting in secret places without people knowing

Putting on show choir make-up and doing show choir hair

Being in show choir

Writing on marker boards

Listening to MUSE

Singing in the shower, I have only developed this interest recently

Cleaning up the basement and finding cool photos and papers from forever ago

Spring time

Attractive men who are not jerks

My awesome church with awesome pastors

Playing music too loud

Putting on clothes that make you feel fantastic

Going to Disney World

Playing french horn with play-a-long books or Smart Music

Playing with symphonies

Taking walks with my mother and dog Snickers

Talking and hanging out with my sister

Playing upright bass  with jazz ballads because I love how it feels

Playing with my dog Snickers

Making fun of my dog Snicks while playing with her

Listening to music from the Disney Parks

Playing the electric bass guitar

Doing projects with my dad

My many creepy guy obsessions

Laughing about goofy things


September 20, 2011

This sucks.  I am already overwhelmed with everything.  I am failing Anatomy, and have D’s in Prob&Stats and AP Gov.  I need to write things down to maybe make my life not actually seem so insane.

Things I need to do:

Practice piano, fill out my binder before my lesson, and then suffer through.

Find a day for my senior recital and get it approved by my piano and horn teacher (and myself)

Figure out how I am getting to Symphony and Piano next week when my parents go to Houston for my sister’s pregnancy.

Practice french horn

Listen to recordings of my symphony music.

Set up my senior pictures by tomorrow because she keeps hassling me.  I don’t even want senior pictures, too expensive.

Somehow read 15 chapters that I have missed in my stupid World Literature class.

I have a church orchestra concert on Friday.

Send in my application to college, even though I am planning on the military.

Figure out how to drop Anatomy and World Lit so I can have PE and an open.

Set up a band lesson before this Friday to get my assignment done.

Finish my stupid spanish assignment at school before tomorrow at 4, even though I have band in the morning and have to leave right away for piano after school because our whole school uses suckish apple computers, so everything that is made on it online, can not be used on normal PCs.  I will have to do it during lunch.

Remember to bring my stupid mouthpiece to school for marching band.

Remember to bring my tennis shoes tomorrow for school.

Keep losing weight, eat healthier.



September 2, 2011

I really just want my senior year to be done with.  I’m tired of going through the motions.  I am tired of pretending that I am this happy and cheery person all the time.  I’m tired of feeling like I am not good enough.  I feel so alone.

I don’t really have any close friends.  I have a few good friends, but no one that I could hang out with alone and feel totally comfortable with.  There have been only two people (outside of family) that I felt totally comfortable to be with, and they are gone.  Well, one was a previous best friend, but we don’t talk anymore.  The other is in college, I miss him a lot.

I honestly do not like him, let me make that clear.  I just miss talking to him, and having random times.  Conversations never felt forced or fake, they were always so natural.  I always felt so comfortable around him.  I miss having someone that I related to so well, but we also had our diagreements.  I miss playing video games together, and geeking out.  I miss talking about our nerdy and emo middle school days, when we played in a “rock band” together (we actually played in a band, he still is in it today, but it’s not as sucky).  I’ve known him for so long.  We could not talk for weeks, but still know we are best friends the second we finally saw each other.  I miss having jazz band together.  I miss having him in choir with me.  I miss our inside jokes.  I miss knowing that he is there for me.  I miss being able to tell him anything.  I miss not caring that he had a zillion other friends, because he still made time to be my friend.  I miss not caring what I looked like or wore, because he didn’t care, and looked just as stupid as I did.    I feel so alone.

Not having a friend to turn to sucks.

Not that I don’t love when my “friends” make plans to have lunch together, hang out, or talk about inside jokes in front of me, buuuuut I really hate it.  I get it, you guys are normal enough to not be awkward, and that you don’t do anything so you can hang out all the time.  But I really don’t want to hear about it.  I try so hard not to do that to people, it’s so rude.  It’s my favorite when I hear my “friends” asking their friends if they want to go out for lunch during open lunch at school and I just stand there.  Or when they talk about plans they are making for Friday night, and how fun they will be, that’s pretty awesome to listen to.  Or when they talk about how fun Friday night was, that’s the best.

I know I am an awkward person.  I know that people don’t want to be good friends with me.  I know that people only want to hang out with me when their best friend isn’t around.  You don’t have to make it so dang obvious.  I’m not stupid.

I just have to make the most of it.  I’m really not this negative in real life, I just need to vent to someone and not care whether or not I am exaggerating or being dubm.


I really miss him.  We promised that we would be friends until we are 70.  I hope that proves true.



Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I can’t sleep.  I don’t think I want to sleep tonight.  I’m going to listen to Colplay and Muse while I read other blogs.



Tight Rope

August 25, 2011

Guess what?  I am already love/hating highschool after my third day.  I love being in band, choir, show choir, and my friends, but I am already tired of the rest of it.  I’m just so stressed out about everything, and I am beginning to have low self-asteem again, awesome.   Show choir makes it worse, whenever we use the mirrors, I wanna cry because I am so ugly.

Yes, I am going to whine about my middle class, average, white teenage girl problems.  It’s my blog, I don’t care.

I’ve decided highschool is this giant tight rope, balancing to stay on, but having to strut down the tight rope looking better than everyone else.

I’m so tired of wanting to live up to expectations.  I hate having to feel like I have to avoid every awkward moment because I feel like people won’t like me if I don’t fill the silence.  I hate not having any super close friends to always rely on, I feel alone even when I am in a group of 10 friends.  I feel like no one actually wants to be my friend, they just feel sorry.  I hate when my not very close friends make plans in front of me.  I hate that I feel like I can’t carry a decent conversation with anyone except my parents, because I know they don’t judge me.

I hate that I feel ugly.  My hair never looks right.  It’s frizzy, a disgusting color, bad hair cut.  My hair looks stupid no matter how I style it.   I will always have huge thighs and a chubby stomach.  I will always have disgusting acne, red blotches, and sickly pasty white skin.  I will never be the girl that guys think she is beautiful and want to get to know her.  Guys could care less about me.  Guys are extremely visual, and care a lot about looks, way more than girls care about how guys look.  Sucks for ugly girls.  Beautiful girls can be with ugly guys all the want, but beautiful guys would NEVER be with an ugly girl, so go me.  I don’t own beautiful clothes like every other girl, my closet consists of t-shirts and sweatpants.  I don’t have money for clothes that “define” my personality.  I’m tired of being obnoxiously shorter than everyone, an ugly short person.  I’m tired of not being able to feel accepted.

I freaking hate the high school mirrors.  I’m not sure if they have good of bad lighting, but whatever it is, it makes me look pretty dang ugly.  I feel like I look okay when I am getting ready for school, then after I take one look at those mirrors, I take it all back.  Probably because I don’t have gorgeous high school girls walking around my house to compare myself to…

Okay, not that I want to be the hottest girl to walk the planet, but I wish I could feel pretty.  I just never do.  I feel like everyone is gorgeous no matter what they do.  They can be in fancy clothing, with amazing hair, or in sweatpants, with hair pulled back, and still look amazing.

I wish I could look at myself from other people’s perspective so I could see what I think of myself.  I would probably think I am not the prettiest person, and that I am awkward.

I want a friend.  I feel empty.

I hate that I feel like I am a nobody.  That I don’t have a personality, that I am not interesting, or remembered for anything.  That I am just this boring blob.

I don’t know what to do.  Maybe I’ll talk to someone at church tonight, I feel like this will get worse, and I know it’s not good for me.  I don’t want to be materialistic or compare myself to others, but I do.  I feel like nothing will help or change how I feel.


Sorry for this pathetic and whiny rant.




Relaxful evening.

August 7, 2011

I’m pretty sure I have not been more for more than an hour or two since yesterday.  Today was fun though, finally had a good time with all of my friends.  No fighting, no tension, no gossiping about other friends, it was peaceful.  We spent all last night watching Pretty Little Liars, our television series of the moment.  I really like the show, it has a good story, despite ABC’s corny and exaggerated actors.  Then I spent the rest of the day being with my friends, and got home late after our freaking movie from Blockbuster stopped playing during the middle of the movie…

I didn’t realize that there was a storm going on until my friend took me home.  I think there is some heat lightning, because there is a lot of lightning but not a lot of thunder going with it.  I never knew about heat lightning until I went to camp in Kansas, crazy huh?  My friends were camped out in one of the girls’ room, watching the lightning, and worried (but laughing) when we saw people walking through all the rain and wind, and just enjoying ourselves and most likely being annoying to everyone else.

I miss those friends.  Another reason I love camp friends, you just enjoy each other’s company.  You don’t worry about history, past boyfriends or friends, drama, or gossiping.  It’s the very start of friendship, it’s so raw.  You find out who you click with, then hang out with them.  It hasn’t changed since we were able to make decisions about who we like and don’t like.

Sorry if I sound like some idiot thinking that I am so insightful and deep, I just feel so relaxed.  I am just listening to some relaxing Muse songs while watching the lightning out of my window.

This is the first time in forever I have slept with my shades all the way up.  I can’t wait to wake up with the sun shining in, I love having my window facing east!

I love this song a lot.  I really want this album in general.  My favorite part is the chorus, I always imagine some guy saying those words to me, looking deep into my eyes (corny, I know!).



So much practicing.

July 28, 2011

So I am playing for a wedding this Friday, and I have practiced so much in the past two days it’s ridiculous.  Yesterday I probably practiced for like 7 hours in total.  That’s literally all I did.  Accompanying on piano is hard.  I can honestly say that I am pretty good at playing piano but I need to work on my sightreading skills on piano, because they are not very great.

Today I had rehearsal with the violinist, and within the first 10 minutes I thought I was going to cry.  I was not doing so well.  Okay, in my defense, I only got the music a few days ago so I did not have a lot of time to work on it, but I did my best.

I was very glad though that the violinist subtly told me to just play the left hand line, so I wouldn’t cover her up, aaaaaand then I would have less mistakes.

But by the end of the rehearsal I was feeling better about my playing.  I just wanted to do well.  I mean it’s different when I’m getting ready for a recital, if I mess up, then it’s only affecting (is that the right affect/effect?) me, but when playing for a wedding, I don’t want to mess anything up because it is the bride and groom’s day and I would feel awful messing something up for them.

And they are paying me, and I don’t want them to regret paying me.


By the way, I got frickin’ shampoo in my eye.  It frickin’ burrrrrrrrrrrrrrns, so don’t do it.  Holy crap, I can still feel a little sting from where it was.  Ughghhhghghghghhghhhhhhhhhhhhh.