Lately I have been down on myself.  Everything from personality, looks, clothes, money, and most things normal teenage girls worry about.  I always go through these weird phases for long periods where I
criticize everything about me.  Those periods are full of jealousy of others, and hatred towards myself, it is so frustrating.  Sometimes I cannot get out of it for awhile.  Somehow I realize how stupid I have been and stop worrying about it.  I wonder if this happens to other people.  When I snap out of it, I am perfectly fine with myself and do not give a crap if people are judging me.

Right now I think I am finally snapping back out of it.  I needed something different, and my hair was frustrating the crap outta me, so I finally just cut it.  Nothing drastic, I just looked up some videos on cutting layers on yourself, so I did it.  I already feel better (not that hair cuts should change your perspective, but they definitely help), then I did some bible reading, homework, and practiced piano and french horn.  I also loved the alone time when cutting my hair, I always LOVE my alone time.

I really love reading my bible, I need to more.  The answer to all my questions and uncertainties I have about myself or God are all in there, I just do not give the effort.  In order to develop this relationship, I have to put effort into it.  Plus when I am at basic training, I want to be able to also be a soldier of God and remember where my heart truly rests.

So I stopped freaking out about my appearance, hopefully that will stop for awhile.  I just have to be strong, stop worrying and comparing myself to other people.  I also have this unconscious thought that I am not good enough for the stupid high school guys because they do not want me…see, this is why I need to realize how stupid I am sometimes.

Ugh, school is almost over.  I have so much to do, but I am somehow not panicking yet.  This is probably a bad thing.

By the way, you should listen to Lola Astonova.  She is this gorgeous russian pianist on youtube, and she is beyond amazing.  This is my favorite song right now.   Oh how I wish I did not have hands the size of a 7 year old so I could play Rachmaninoff.

Later,

Kelsey.

I feel so depressed right now.  I cannot talk to anyone.  Not right now.  I know I would say the wrong thing, words be twisted, and people do not understand (well, they probably do, but I like whining about my teen angst, deal with it).

Why are people (and especially in my case, guys) so driven by looks?

Sorry I am not a Victoria’s Secret model.  Guys expect us to be the perfect height, completely hairless bodies, gorgeous long flowing hair, tanned skin, skinny but with hips butt and boobs, wear fashionable clothing, be independent and confident but still depend on the guy for everything, have a social and great personality to keep conversation to make him feel good or be quiet when he wants to talk, be smart but do not outsmart him, live in a rich house with an amazing social family, be sexy but not easy, wear the perfect amount of makeup, or whatever.

I do not know if it is just what I have gathered, but it always seems as though ugly girls have no chance.  There are so many beautiful girls, that the rest of us are screwed.  Every girl wants to be the one that a guy genuinely wants to be with.  People tell the ugly girls to just have a great personality, blah blah blah.  Well you know what? If a guy had the choice between an ugly girl with a personality, and a beautiful girl with a personality, guess which one is more desirable?  And when I say ugly, I do not always mean UGLY, I just mean anything not meeting the gorgeous standards and below.  I am not saying that I am necessarily ugly either, but I am definitely not first pick.  I have always wondered what it would be like to be desirable.  To be wanted, for both personality, morals, and looks.  Maybe it is just high school, but it seems so slim.  Okay, and not to sound like a jerk here, but then you see those weirdo girls that have a boyfriend and you are like WHAT THE WHAT!!?!??!

Now, I am perfectly fine with being single and not have guys wanting me (well, maybe not compleeeetely fine, but seriously, it is not the end of the world), but why does it have to be shoved in our faces.  More ways than one.

 Girlfriends and their freaking boyfriends being annoyingly touchy in public – OKAY WE GET IT.  YOU LOVE TO TOUCH.  HER WAIST FEELS GOOD TO YOU ‘PARENTLY.  HER ARMS ARE SOOOO SOFT TO THE TOUCH.  YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD DO WITHOUT BEING GLUED TO HER HAND.  HER LIPS LOOK TO EMPTY WHEN YOU SEE HER, AND YOU ARE GOOD AT SOLVING IT.  HER STOMACH IS SOOOO SEXY TO TOUCH AFTER EATING A MEAL (yes, I know a couple that does this), WE GET IT.  LEAVE THE REST OF US ALONE.

Guys think it is okay to harshly or nicely critique and comment on girls around girls – OKAY WE GET IT.  SHE IS EFFING HOT AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO HER ALL NIGHT.  WE ALL KNOW THAT KIM KARDASH IS SEXY, SAME WITH EVERY OTHER CELEBRITY.  YES, HER BOOBS COMPLETELY TURN YOU ON.  YOU COULD STARE AT HER BUTT ALL DAY, WE KNOW.  LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION TO YOUR GUY TIME, NOT IN FRONT OF INSECURE GIRLS.  YOU THINK IT IS OKAY TO ALSO SAY HOW UGLY A CERTAIN GIRL IS TOO.  SO WHAT IF HER PANTS DO NOT LOOK GOOD?  WHO CARES IF HER HAIR IS WHACK, WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO JUDGE WHO SHE IS??!?  EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK THESE THOUGHTS, STOP SAYING THEM IN FRONT OF GIRLS, THEY FEEL INSECURE AND FIGURE OUT YOU ARE A PHYSICAL DRIVEN JERK.  Like really?  When I think a guy is freaking hot, I tell my girl friends.  I feel awful when I say those things to guy friends.  I do not think any of my guy friends know how guy crazy I am, that is because I am polite to not say those things to guys.  It is rude, boring, lame, and annoying.  So why is it okay to say how sexy or ugly some girl is to me?  It is not.  Btw, just because I love looking at guys and love talking about them to my girls, does not mean that I would want to date them, I actually like to get to know people, sorry.

I will probably add to this post, but that is all my annoyed brain could conjure up right now.

Later,

Kelsey

Why I Suck Around Guys

June 12, 2011

Sup, it’s Kelsey.  So I consider myself I a decently social person.  I’m not really fakey though, I will always listen and care about someone’s stories or problems if they want me to.  But I cannot handle idiots or jerks so I also need alone time.  But if I am hanging out with friends, I can be pretty fun sometimes (mainly when I’ve been up late, when I am sleep deprived I become weirdly and obnoxiously social).  I’m always nice to people if they are willing to be nice to me.  I don’t necessarily always know the right thing to say when I first meet someone, but I try to be nice, even if I come off shy.  I have my guard up until I get to know the person better, I need to see what the person is like before I start to get to know them.

Heck, I am pretty decent around guys too.  I know, “What the heck is up with the title then?!?”.  Let me explain, I FRICKIN SUCK AROUND GOOD LOOKING GUYS OR GUYS THAT I LIKE.  Yeah, I could have put that as the title…but I went for a softer approach.

I’ve never really had a true boyfriend (No, middle school boyfriends were you never talked to them don’t count, I had like two of those).  I’m not that razzled about it, I’m cool with waiting a few years before I find a boyfriend, whatever happens, happens.  But I still want to talk to good looking guys, that’s normal teenage girl hormones, kay?

Like I can be having a good time with some friends (with guy friends there too!) and be able to have this great sense of humor and confidence, then boom- a hot guy comes up and is friends with one of my guy friends and I become a hot mess.  I try to act cool, and I end up being a complete loser.  I say completely stupid things, make awkward moments, and pretty much lose control of every normal part of me.  And it’s so dumb, I knoooow that I shouldn’t try to act cool or different, but it just happens.  It’s just an instant reaction to anyone that I find good looking, so it will be obvious if I think you are hot.  And then after I realize how dumb I acted, and embarrassed myself completely, then I stop talking and become instantly shy.  This is why I suck around hot guys.

It’s not that I want to be this huge slut who wants to hang out with hot guys or anything, I just want to talk to them and not embarrass myself.  Is that too much to ask?  So it’s official, I will not marry a good looking guy because I am not capable of talking to them.  End of story.

Later,

Kelsey.