Opening up.

May 29, 2012

I finally got my new computer today (my old one broke a while ago) and I am so excited!  I am going to take goooood care of this one, I am not going to be stupid with it.  It has been harder to write posts because I have just been on my parents’ computers, and I do not want them to figure out about my blog some strange way.

I am not really sure what I feel like writing about today, so sorry for the possible ramblings and thoughts that spew out from my brain.  (I am also procrastinating on finishing my government paper, I would rather journal right now, professional writing can come later.)

So I have been wondering for a long time, do other people have awkward silences with their friends, or is it just me?  I am not saying with all my friends.  I have this friend that does not ditch me for her popular friends, although she likes being with them and she loves being cool.  She is a total introvert, and likes being with only one other person, but still likes to be in the crowd.  She offers me rides places, enjoys my company even though we do not always have constant conversation or whatever.  I just wish I knew if she did not enjoy this because I am not like her popular friends where they never shut up.  I just wish I knew what other people thought, what they think of silences.  I think they are fine, but I always feel like other people cannot stand them.  We are not best friends, but I respect how kind she is to me, and does not ditch me or think she is too cool for me even though she has her cool friends.  It is just nice to know that she is not like everyone I know.

Do you ever feel like there are certain things you cannot talk about when you are blogging?  That those thoughts are too awkward or you just cannot share them with the rest of the world?  I sometimes do that.  Mainly because I feel ashamed for some reason.  I am really trying to open up, I am.  I am like this with everything and everyone, I take time to open up to someone and really see who I am.  It will get better, I promise.  I mean, all of this stuff I would never share with most people, but there are still certain things that I find hard to post.  I have certain posts that are just in the draft stage.  Mainly because I was so angry or upset that I just had to write something and all my thoughts are irrational and emotional that I could not post it afterwards.  I just could not.  I knew I would feel stupid about it later.

Maybe that is it, I feel like I am being judged.  I guess, but that is stupid.  People get so used to being judged that it is not any different on the internet.  Even though I highly doubt more than two people actually read this blog.  I mean who wants to read a self absorbed diary?  I do not know if I would want to.  I mean I do like to read into other people’s thoughts, but I do not know if I could handle the ramblings that I do.  This is just where I like to spill.  Let my thoughts not stir up inside me and explode.  Which some of you may not even get because, like I said, I do not even post the ones that really make me vulnerable and reveal too much about me.

I am the same way with people.  I cannot figure out why some people can meet someone and become instant best friends.   It takes me forever to get to know people.  I have to figure out how I relate to the other person, I cannot let them know too much about me before I realize who they really are.  I have to figure out our dynamic and our relationship.

I like reading interesting blogs.  Well, actually I do not know what kind of blogs I like to read.  I know it when I read it I guess.  Like, I enjoy humorous blogs, but sometimes they get really old also.



Music mood.

May 1, 2012

I am in a music mood.  It’s a mood where everyone is annoying the crap out of you and all you want to do is be completely taken over by a song.  I want to live in it and feel it.  I always forget how much people disappoint me.  I forget that my morals, standards, and views are not the same as others.  I mean I am not stupid.  It is not that I think that everyone is the same as me, I totally get that everyone has their own definition of right and wrong and whatever.  I just become disappointed when it is a friend that proves that they are not want I thought they were.  I mean that is just discovering people.  That is why I do not like to get too close to people too soon.  I enjoy discovering their personalities, figuring out just what kind of person they really are.  Yeah, it is fun to meet people for the first time and become instant friends, but I want more than that.  I want a relationship, I want someone where conversation (or no conversation) is comfortable.  I just forget that not everyone is who they show they are.

It is not that they are liars, it is that they reserved that side of them apparently.  Which I do respect, but I hate the feeling of disappointment.  I have no idea if this makes sense, I am just rambling because I swear if my mom interrupts my music listening one more time I will go insane.

Here’s a song that I wish I could live in: (not necessarily the music video, just the song)

Alex Clare has such souullll.  I freaking love it.  I do not know if I have mentioned it, but my favorite band of all time is MUSE.  I really do not listen to a lot of pop (not mainstream, I mean just any music).  I always wonder how people have so much time to research all these music artists and find all these obscure ones that suddenly become famous.  When I am driving with people in their car, I for some reason do not know half of the songs that everyone apparently loves.  No, I am not some hipster, I do not like crappy hipster music.  I just like what I like.

I am also totally obsessed with the Chopin Ballades, namely No.1 and 2.




October 17, 2011

Oh homecoming.  The one week were everyone makes a big deal about what costumes you are going to wear for each theme day, what boy is asking you to the dance, what dress/shoes/jewelry you are gonna get, who is gonna get on homecoming court, and if you’re football team is gonna win the big game.

Honestly, I am not overly obsessed with school spirit, but I really do like my high school.  It has it’s quirks in all different areas that you get used to, and love.  I don’t mind the people who get really into their school spirit, power to you, have fun with it.   I didn’t get too into the costumes, (except for pajama day, can’t pass that up) but overall it was fun.  Pep assemblies and parades that the band gets to be in is pretty fun, because even if the study body only likes the drumline (because they are coool….) we are still an important part of the school.

Now, let’s move on to the thing part of homecoming that everyone loves, that would be the homecoming dance.  Everybody knows it, stresses out about it, spends to much money on it, and sometimes has fun with it.  I had a stinkin’ fun time.  Why?

Lets start with this, I have good morals, I am developing my faith with God, have a strong supportive family…but my secret pleasure is watching Jersey Shore.  It’s like this surreal show about people that you could never even imagine.  It honestly seems like this whole different world and lifestyle, and I like knowing what it’s like.

Alright, now what does Jersey Shore have to do with anything?  Homecoming for me, is my one night were I like to think in the back of my mind, that I am apart of the Jersey Shore.  I put on makeup, I was wearing a dress (that was not skanky at all), I had on heels, we had our “family dinner”, then drove around like cooool teenagers and went to the dance and danced the night away.

I love my girlfriends.  We got ready together, and we all looked gorgeous and talked about how we are so freaking glad we are not awkward freshmen who don’t know how to do hair, makeup, or choose a dress.  I actually did my friend’s hair, we wanted an elegant up-do, and honestly it look really good.  I love doing hair, during show choir season, every other person is asking me to help them do their hair, it’s so fun.

The dance is my favorite part, besides just being with my friends.  Another great thing, my whole group (because we all had dates), made a NO GRINDING agreement.  We all think it’s disgusting, boring, and dumb.  I have never understood grinding, it looks so boring, you can’t see who you are “dancing” with, and you look like a slut.  We danced like freaking white kids, all in a circle acting like idiots, pretending I am Snooki in the back of my mind.  I had never sweat so much in my life, honestly it was so gross.  My feet killed, but I think I lost like 5 pounds last night, and it was freaking fun.  I love my friends, and I am sad that this was my last high school homecoming  😦

I guess I will just have to wait until prom!







September 2, 2011

I really just want my senior year to be done with.  I’m tired of going through the motions.  I am tired of pretending that I am this happy and cheery person all the time.  I’m tired of feeling like I am not good enough.  I feel so alone.

I don’t really have any close friends.  I have a few good friends, but no one that I could hang out with alone and feel totally comfortable with.  There have been only two people (outside of family) that I felt totally comfortable to be with, and they are gone.  Well, one was a previous best friend, but we don’t talk anymore.  The other is in college, I miss him a lot.

I honestly do not like him, let me make that clear.  I just miss talking to him, and having random times.  Conversations never felt forced or fake, they were always so natural.  I always felt so comfortable around him.  I miss having someone that I related to so well, but we also had our diagreements.  I miss playing video games together, and geeking out.  I miss talking about our nerdy and emo middle school days, when we played in a “rock band” together (we actually played in a band, he still is in it today, but it’s not as sucky).  I’ve known him for so long.  We could not talk for weeks, but still know we are best friends the second we finally saw each other.  I miss having jazz band together.  I miss having him in choir with me.  I miss our inside jokes.  I miss knowing that he is there for me.  I miss being able to tell him anything.  I miss not caring that he had a zillion other friends, because he still made time to be my friend.  I miss not caring what I looked like or wore, because he didn’t care, and looked just as stupid as I did.    I feel so alone.

Not having a friend to turn to sucks.

Not that I don’t love when my “friends” make plans to have lunch together, hang out, or talk about inside jokes in front of me, buuuuut I really hate it.  I get it, you guys are normal enough to not be awkward, and that you don’t do anything so you can hang out all the time.  But I really don’t want to hear about it.  I try so hard not to do that to people, it’s so rude.  It’s my favorite when I hear my “friends” asking their friends if they want to go out for lunch during open lunch at school and I just stand there.  Or when they talk about plans they are making for Friday night, and how fun they will be, that’s pretty awesome to listen to.  Or when they talk about how fun Friday night was, that’s the best.

I know I am an awkward person.  I know that people don’t want to be good friends with me.  I know that people only want to hang out with me when their best friend isn’t around.  You don’t have to make it so dang obvious.  I’m not stupid.

I just have to make the most of it.  I’m really not this negative in real life, I just need to vent to someone and not care whether or not I am exaggerating or being dubm.


I really miss him.  We promised that we would be friends until we are 70.  I hope that proves true.



Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I can’t sleep.  I don’t think I want to sleep tonight.  I’m going to listen to Colplay and Muse while I read other blogs.



Relaxful evening.

August 7, 2011

I’m pretty sure I have not been more for more than an hour or two since yesterday.  Today was fun though, finally had a good time with all of my friends.  No fighting, no tension, no gossiping about other friends, it was peaceful.  We spent all last night watching Pretty Little Liars, our television series of the moment.  I really like the show, it has a good story, despite ABC’s corny and exaggerated actors.  Then I spent the rest of the day being with my friends, and got home late after our freaking movie from Blockbuster stopped playing during the middle of the movie…

I didn’t realize that there was a storm going on until my friend took me home.  I think there is some heat lightning, because there is a lot of lightning but not a lot of thunder going with it.  I never knew about heat lightning until I went to camp in Kansas, crazy huh?  My friends were camped out in one of the girls’ room, watching the lightning, and worried (but laughing) when we saw people walking through all the rain and wind, and just enjoying ourselves and most likely being annoying to everyone else.

I miss those friends.  Another reason I love camp friends, you just enjoy each other’s company.  You don’t worry about history, past boyfriends or friends, drama, or gossiping.  It’s the very start of friendship, it’s so raw.  You find out who you click with, then hang out with them.  It hasn’t changed since we were able to make decisions about who we like and don’t like.

Sorry if I sound like some idiot thinking that I am so insightful and deep, I just feel so relaxed.  I am just listening to some relaxing Muse songs while watching the lightning out of my window.

This is the first time in forever I have slept with my shades all the way up.  I can’t wait to wake up with the sun shining in, I love having my window facing east!

I love this song a lot.  I really want this album in general.  My favorite part is the chorus, I always imagine some guy saying those words to me, looking deep into my eyes (corny, I know!).



Band Camp

June 27, 2011

Hello everyone, I’m back again!  I forgot to let you in on the fact that I was going to band camp this past week.  Why?  Weeeell, my dad didn’t decide to sign me up for it until three days before the camp started, so it was pretty short notice.  No I did NOT forget about the blog, I just was gone, I swear!

Camp was really fun, I love going to band camps.  I’ve probably gone to like 5 or 6 of them, I don’t even know anymore.  They are so fun, I get to play on my instrument for hours on end in a band with amazing players (better than my highschool), and I get to meet so many random people.

It’s just so different from everyday life.  It’s finally okay to just go up to someone and talk to them because EVERYONE is alone, or maybe only with one other person.  It’s thrilling and exciting, you become new to everyone, no one has ever met you, the friendship is new, and develops so fast.  I already miss my friends at camp a ton.  Yes, it is only 5 days, but you spend every free moment together, which really adds up to quite a few hours, and then a close relationship.

That’s the only depressing thing (besides costing a lot of money), you spend all week making these amazing friends, then you have to go across the country and leave them.  Man, what would we do without the internet or cell phones, I would never see or talk to these people again!

Band camps have made me more social than I was before.  It becomes easier to find things to talk about with people and make friends.  I used to be so shy and never knew the right thing to say.  I’m still not a social butterfly or anything, but I can hold a decent conversation.

By the waaaaaay, I got Best Brass Player of the Week, so BAM!


NOTICE:  I will be leaving AGAIN in two days, I’m going to the Dells with some friends (with the friend who I wrote about earlier…we are “good” now)  Buuuut hopefully it will be fun, I am not going to complain about a practically free trip there sooooo.






Yes officer,

June 17, 2011

Today was an interesting day, I must admit.  I started out as a normal morning, waking up, practicing some french horn, piano, watched television, cleaned, etc.  Then around 5:30, my brother and dad had to go to some carnival to play in a community jazz band.  Of course, they needed an extra trumpet player so I gave in and went.  I have filled in with them on bass a few times, but this was my first time playing trumpet with them.

So after that ended, my friend Allie texted me about hanging out at my local park.  I said sure, and after I had some dinner with my family I went over there.  It was me, my friend (from another school, met her through a band thing), and a bunch of kids I didn’t know from her school.  It was fine, they were all nice, accepting, and pretty chill.  So we roasted some marshmellows (I’ve been CRAVING), then once everyone got there, we started to play hide and go seek.

After quite a few rounds we stopped and went into the gazebo to hang out and talk.  Let me inform you with something straight up:  We were not drinking, doing drugs, having sex, or anything remotely illegal….except for one thing – being at the park after hours.  We were literally about to leave and guess who shows up?  Yep, a police officer.

Crap crap crap crap crap, was repeatedly going on in my head.  He asked us all for our IDs, and of course I didn’t have mine.  I switched purses and forgot to put it in there, I wasn’t driving so it’s not like I needed it at the time.  I told him my name, and he asked me for my date of birth.  After some talking to, and some searching he let us leave saying he was just making sure our records were clean and that we weren’t doing anything illegal.  I’m still freaking out that he will fine us, ticket us, or call our parents.  I mean, it’s not like it’s a crime, but it’s still a law.

I’ve been freaking out for the past hour, researching online about this situation, and it’s been scaring me too much, soooo I stopped.  I’ve only talked to a cop like once or twice, from car accidents, so it was scary to have a cop think that I did something illegal.  I mean, I’m so used to people knowing I am a good person, it’s weird to have someone think that I am doing drugs or that I am a typical drinking teen.

I’m sorry officer, but we were playing hide and seek.