Opening up.

May 29, 2012

I finally got my new computer today (my old one broke a while ago) and I am so excited!  I am going to take goooood care of this one, I am not going to be stupid with it.  It has been harder to write posts because I have just been on my parents’ computers, and I do not want them to figure out about my blog some strange way.

I am not really sure what I feel like writing about today, so sorry for the possible ramblings and thoughts that spew out from my brain.  (I am also procrastinating on finishing my government paper, I would rather journal right now, professional writing can come later.)

So I have been wondering for a long time, do other people have awkward silences with their friends, or is it just me?  I am not saying with all my friends.  I have this friend that does not ditch me for her popular friends, although she likes being with them and she loves being cool.  She is a total introvert, and likes being with only one other person, but still likes to be in the crowd.  She offers me rides places, enjoys my company even though we do not always have constant conversation or whatever.  I just wish I knew if she did not enjoy this because I am not like her popular friends where they never shut up.  I just wish I knew what other people thought, what they think of silences.  I think they are fine, but I always feel like other people cannot stand them.  We are not best friends, but I respect how kind she is to me, and does not ditch me or think she is too cool for me even though she has her cool friends.  It is just nice to know that she is not like everyone I know.

Do you ever feel like there are certain things you cannot talk about when you are blogging?  That those thoughts are too awkward or you just cannot share them with the rest of the world?  I sometimes do that.  Mainly because I feel ashamed for some reason.  I am really trying to open up, I am.  I am like this with everything and everyone, I take time to open up to someone and really see who I am.  It will get better, I promise.  I mean, all of this stuff I would never share with most people, but there are still certain things that I find hard to post.  I have certain posts that are just in the draft stage.  Mainly because I was so angry or upset that I just had to write something and all my thoughts are irrational and emotional that I could not post it afterwards.  I just could not.  I knew I would feel stupid about it later.

Maybe that is it, I feel like I am being judged.  I guess, but that is stupid.  People get so used to being judged that it is not any different on the internet.  Even though I highly doubt more than two people actually read this blog.  I mean who wants to read a self absorbed diary?  I do not know if I would want to.  I mean I do like to read into other people’s thoughts, but I do not know if I could handle the ramblings that I do.  This is just where I like to spill.  Let my thoughts not stir up inside me and explode.  Which some of you may not even get because, like I said, I do not even post the ones that really make me vulnerable and reveal too much about me.

I am the same way with people.  I cannot figure out why some people can meet someone and become instant best friends.   It takes me forever to get to know people.  I have to figure out how I relate to the other person, I cannot let them know too much about me before I realize who they really are.  I have to figure out our dynamic and our relationship.

I like reading interesting blogs.  Well, actually I do not know what kind of blogs I like to read.  I know it when I read it I guess.  Like, I enjoy humorous blogs, but sometimes they get really old also.



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