Opening up.

May 29, 2012

I finally got my new computer today (my old one broke a while ago) and I am so excited!  I am going to take goooood care of this one, I am not going to be stupid with it.  It has been harder to write posts because I have just been on my parents’ computers, and I do not want them to figure out about my blog some strange way.

I am not really sure what I feel like writing about today, so sorry for the possible ramblings and thoughts that spew out from my brain.  (I am also procrastinating on finishing my government paper, I would rather journal right now, professional writing can come later.)

So I have been wondering for a long time, do other people have awkward silences with their friends, or is it just me?  I am not saying with all my friends.  I have this friend that does not ditch me for her popular friends, although she likes being with them and she loves being cool.  She is a total introvert, and likes being with only one other person, but still likes to be in the crowd.  She offers me rides places, enjoys my company even though we do not always have constant conversation or whatever.  I just wish I knew if she did not enjoy this because I am not like her popular friends where they never shut up.  I just wish I knew what other people thought, what they think of silences.  I think they are fine, but I always feel like other people cannot stand them.  We are not best friends, but I respect how kind she is to me, and does not ditch me or think she is too cool for me even though she has her cool friends.  It is just nice to know that she is not like everyone I know.

Do you ever feel like there are certain things you cannot talk about when you are blogging?  That those thoughts are too awkward or you just cannot share them with the rest of the world?  I sometimes do that.  Mainly because I feel ashamed for some reason.  I am really trying to open up, I am.  I am like this with everything and everyone, I take time to open up to someone and really see who I am.  It will get better, I promise.  I mean, all of this stuff I would never share with most people, but there are still certain things that I find hard to post.  I have certain posts that are just in the draft stage.  Mainly because I was so angry or upset that I just had to write something and all my thoughts are irrational and emotional that I could not post it afterwards.  I just could not.  I knew I would feel stupid about it later.

Maybe that is it, I feel like I am being judged.  I guess, but that is stupid.  People get so used to being judged that it is not any different on the internet.  Even though I highly doubt more than two people actually read this blog.  I mean who wants to read a self absorbed diary?  I do not know if I would want to.  I mean I do like to read into other people’s thoughts, but I do not know if I could handle the ramblings that I do.  This is just where I like to spill.  Let my thoughts not stir up inside me and explode.  Which some of you may not even get because, like I said, I do not even post the ones that really make me vulnerable and reveal too much about me.

I am the same way with people.  I cannot figure out why some people can meet someone and become instant best friends.   It takes me forever to get to know people.  I have to figure out how I relate to the other person, I cannot let them know too much about me before I realize who they really are.  I have to figure out our dynamic and our relationship.

I like reading interesting blogs.  Well, actually I do not know what kind of blogs I like to read.  I know it when I read it I guess.  Like, I enjoy humorous blogs, but sometimes they get really old also.



Not in the mood.

May 28, 2012

I am really not in the mood for blogging.  These past two days I have felt like I am not in the mood for anything.  I have these ideas to go running, play video games, clean my room, do the laundry, clean the house, organize photos, read a book, practice piano and french horn, etc.  I have done some of these things, but every time the idea pops in my head, I suddenly do not want to do it anymore.  I have been forcing myself to do some of the things though, I hate completely wasting my time.  I really do need to practice piano and french horn.  I seriously do not know where my horn chops went, I need a lesson pronto.  I am so annoyed, but I guess I will just have to keep practicing.  I have my piano recital this Wednesday, oh man. 

I have been going to grad parties all this weekend.  Well, only my close friends, but then I will stay there for a while because I like the people there, or there are bonfires afterwards, etc.  It has been fun, but tiring.  It has been hard to not gossip, I seriously struggle with this everyday.  I am really good at staying out of the drama, but just slipping a snarky remark or something of that sort gets difficult.  Especially when other people bring it up.  I am getting better at not starting it, but it is the worst when someone else brings it up and I just try to avoid the subject.   I feel like that is the reason people do not like being with me sometimes.  Well, my gossipy friends anyway.  They want me to agree with them, they do not like the feeling that they are rude or wrong.  It is always funny when one of those friends start gossiping and I try to change the subject or tell them to stop then they suddenly take it back, or say something else as if to balance the rude comment they just said because they could tell I did not like it.  Oh well, but I really do need to try harder.  Gossiping is awful.  I do not want to be the talk of the gossip, and no one else deserves to be either. 

Well, that’s all I feel like blogging about right now.  See?  I keep getting bored of everything.  Seriously.




Lovin’ Life.

May 24, 2012

It is seriously too nice to be Iowa, I love this so much.  No rain, just sunshine, warmth, and wind.

I would be fine with this for the rest of my summer. 

Enjoy summer everyone.




Ride my bike.

May 16, 2012

I rode my bike today, it was so great.  I miss riding my bike, it is officially becoming my new mode of transportation during the summer (especially because I do not drive and I feel bad mooching off my friends for rides).  I used to ride my bike ALL the time when I was younger.  I would just try to get lost and see new places.  And on the fitness side – I love that I am getting my exercise in, but I still get to sit! 

I feel stupid that I have been hesitant to get the bike out.  I am always worried that people are going to see me, like people that I know.  Well now I do not really care anymore, considering that school is over in two days and I will be gone in a month anyway so who cares? I still feel like I cannot ride my bike without my mp3 player, I mean I never get to listen to my music and I feel safer with my music while I am on my bike. 

Today was such a good day:

  • Had actual conversation with my dream man during accounting today.  (He’s this beautiful guy at my school who I have obsessed over for like 3 years, he was also looking extra fine today)
  • Made an amazing powerpoint presentation for spanish about the teachers at my school, finished it, presented it and got a good grade.
  • Listening to our choir’s recording session was unreal, the recording of Lux Aurumque (not to be braggy, but my little solo line sounded sweeet!) was amazing.
  • I finally started talking to my guy friend I went to prom with again, I had a bad feeling that he was going to stop talking to me.
  • I was not self conscious about my hair being up today.
  • We had cake during 8th period government with the best class ever.
  • Had a good piano lesson, got to see my sister and played our duet.
  • Got to ride my bike and play ultimate with some friends


Yeah, there were some negatives about my day, but I decided I was just going to not worry about them.




Lately I have been down on myself.  Everything from personality, looks, clothes, money, and most things normal teenage girls worry about.  I always go through these weird phases for long periods where I
criticize everything about me.  Those periods are full of jealousy of others, and hatred towards myself, it is so frustrating.  Sometimes I cannot get out of it for awhile.  Somehow I realize how stupid I have been and stop worrying about it.  I wonder if this happens to other people.  When I snap out of it, I am perfectly fine with myself and do not give a crap if people are judging me.

Right now I think I am finally snapping back out of it.  I needed something different, and my hair was frustrating the crap outta me, so I finally just cut it.  Nothing drastic, I just looked up some videos on cutting layers on yourself, so I did it.  I already feel better (not that hair cuts should change your perspective, but they definitely help), then I did some bible reading, homework, and practiced piano and french horn.  I also loved the alone time when cutting my hair, I always LOVE my alone time.

I really love reading my bible, I need to more.  The answer to all my questions and uncertainties I have about myself or God are all in there, I just do not give the effort.  In order to develop this relationship, I have to put effort into it.  Plus when I am at basic training, I want to be able to also be a soldier of God and remember where my heart truly rests.

So I stopped freaking out about my appearance, hopefully that will stop for awhile.  I just have to be strong, stop worrying and comparing myself to other people.  I also have this unconscious thought that I am not good enough for the stupid high school guys because they do not want me…see, this is why I need to realize how stupid I am sometimes.

Ugh, school is almost over.  I have so much to do, but I am somehow not panicking yet.  This is probably a bad thing.

By the way, you should listen to Lola Astonova.  She is this gorgeous russian pianist on youtube, and she is beyond amazing.  This is my favorite song right now.   Oh how I wish I did not have hands the size of a 7 year old so I could play Rachmaninoff.



When I just found the hour and a half concert tour of MUSE on youtube.  Oh the temptations.

For a person who is going into music in the future (I am joining the Army Band), I really do not listen to a lot of music.  I always try to get into listening to new bands and songs, but I just cannot do it.  I always have this inclination that I have build a relationship with the band/singer before I can really listen to their music.  It took me over a year of listening to MUSE before I considered myself a genuine MUSE fan.  Their have been bands in the past that I will have a month obsession with, then realize how lame they really are and stop listening to them.  I always feel the need to love every song before I consider myself a fan.  There is a feeling of disappointment when a band I start getting interested in has a song that I do not care for.  It is like developing a new friendship with someone, and then realizing that they have some nasty habit of excessive drinking, it is just so disappointing.

I am not saying that I do not accept flaws of others, it is just always depressing to think you knew someone, but that is what you get for assuming, right?  Anyway, back on to music…

I can honestly say that I cannot find a song I dislike by MUSE.  I have my favorites, and songs that I just do not listen to as much, but I do not think I hate any of their songs.  Even if I were to find one that I do not like now, it is too late, I am already sucked into the MUSE obsession.

I am going to start with my beginnings of my MUSE obsession.  I mainly stumbled upon it when my brother in-law had me listen to a song of theirs.  He has a huuuge music collection that I am jealous of, but my relationship with music distracts me from creating that collection.  I listened to one of the songs, instantly loved it, asked the group name.  Thank goodness it was an easy band name, not some complicated lengthy phrase.

The next few days I started looking up MUSE on youtube (mainly because the lack of owning itunes, and not wanting to commit to buying something yet) and my very first song of theirs was Uprising.  I mean it is the first or second song when you search it in, so I thought I would try it.  I loved it instantly and I almost burnt it out now because I loved it so much.  I kept researching this band, and I knew it was for me.  It sounds stupid, but I felt overwhelmed at first, but I loved getting to know the band.  I looked up all their albums so I knew them in chronological order, I was obsessed.

I am obsessed Matt Bellamy, he has a voice like nothing I have ever heard or loved before.  Some people hate on his excessive breathing (gasping), but I feel like it adds passion to his performance.  Plus, I respect that he’s using as much air as he can get in order to sing.  I sound exactly like that (maybe not as gaspy sounding…) when I play french horn or sing.  I love that he played the piano, and he is frickin good at it.  I also love that his voice can be sexy and sultry but also sweet and gentile.  His voice can also sound powerful, tearful, hopeless, or passionate.  He is just so emotional with everything he sings.  And his range is insane.  Now, I am in love with low voices, basses and baritones, but I cannot pass up his amazing voice.

I love that their newer albums are adding in more classical influences.  I love their Rachmaninoff influences, the giant chords and intense passages.  I also love the Chopin inserts and influences.  In United States of Eurasia, they straight up put the Chopin Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 in it.  It is kind of a cliche nocturne, but it is still gorgeous.  Plus, Chopin is inching as my favorite piano composer, Brahms needs to watch out.  The Exogensis Symphony is such an improvement from their punky rock days, which I still love listening to.  Considering it is the band’s first symphony, I totally respect them for it.  Not that it is Tchaikovsky, Rossini, or Brahms, but it is not like their are very many new symphonies being written by these guys….

My dream, (besides just seeing them in concert, I hear their unreal to see live) would to play french horn in their band.  Just during the orchestra works, then just listen to them the rest of time.

I cannot wait for them to release another album, I hope they do not disappoint.

By the way, if anyone wants to donate MUSE cds to me, I would probably love you for the rest of my life.


I could keep rambling forever, but I really need to stop.  This is what happens why I stay up late.

Enjoy one of their many amazing songs.




I cannot figure out why I get so annoyed with people sometimes.  I seriously switch between being in a good mood, then being extremely annoyed.  This happens with both my friends and my parents.  I am kind of used to it with my friends at this point, but it has gotten extremely worse with my parents lately.  Namely my dad, but my mom gets on my nerves too.

Okay, I love my parents and everything, we get along and hang out and what not.  I realize that some people do not have loving and supporting parents like mine, but this is my blog, this is my time for me to be selfish about my problems.

I just get so annoyed with my dad.  That is what I feel like talking about.  Just everything he says starts to bother me where it gets difficult to control myself.  I try so hard to not say anything.  I have started to resort to not even replying to him because I feel like hating him when he answers with a stupid reply.

I can predict everything he is going to say, that is why I do not even want to bother with talking to him. 

He thinks he is this unique hipster – he’s always says idiotic stuff like “I’m just weird that way, I am just different from what everyone else likes”.  Even stupid stuff like watching House Hunters and the person in the show mentions that they wish that the kitchen was dark wood with stainless steel appliances, his reply is, “I do not get why everyone HAS to love the dark wood and the stainless steel.  I just do not like why everyone else does, I do not care what is popular or what is “in style, or trendy”.  Then he has to mention how he likes the good ‘ol days before the wretched internet or whatever he likes to make up.  He has to explain the simplicity and how much better it was…while he sits on his computer playing online poker 24/7.  COOL DAD.  Aren’t you so freaking unique and original.  You TOTALLY do not fit the status quo.  It is like you are not even apart of this society, you have such a unique perspective on life, woooow wowowowowowow cool. 

You can stop criticizing every single television show I watch.  I am not kidding.  It has started since I was little.  I resort to watching sitcoms because he is too annoying.  Shows such as Cake Boss, Dance Moms, Toddlers and Tiaras, MythBusters, Pawn Stars, etc are the worst.  I cannot tell you how many times he says that the shows are TOTALLY scripted.  WOW DAD, DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT YOURSELF??!!? Congrats.  I hate the scriptedness of the show, but I get over it, it is not something to mention and point out every single freaking time.  I get it, the television producers think that adding scripted drama makes the show more interesting, we all know.  You do not have to get all frustrated with the show and talk about how it is scripted as if I did not know.  The best is when we watch Mythbusters or Cake Boss and when they are building something or whatever, my dad can point out their OBVIOUS flaws in their plans because he is an engineer genius in his mind.  Once he finds the mistake (that is completely obvious to the viewers) then he has to mention how he would have SIMPLY done it himself.  IF IT IS SOOOOOO EASY TO YOU, WHY DON’T YOU CREATE YOUR OWN SUCCESSFUL CAKE BUSINESS OR YOUR OWN TELEVISION SHOW??!!


That’s all for now, I might add more later, I am definitely not done.  Sorry and thanks for reading my irrational and stupid post about my dad.



I feel so depressed right now.  I cannot talk to anyone.  Not right now.  I know I would say the wrong thing, words be twisted, and people do not understand (well, they probably do, but I like whining about my teen angst, deal with it).

Why are people (and especially in my case, guys) so driven by looks?

Sorry I am not a Victoria’s Secret model.  Guys expect us to be the perfect height, completely hairless bodies, gorgeous long flowing hair, tanned skin, skinny but with hips butt and boobs, wear fashionable clothing, be independent and confident but still depend on the guy for everything, have a social and great personality to keep conversation to make him feel good or be quiet when he wants to talk, be smart but do not outsmart him, live in a rich house with an amazing social family, be sexy but not easy, wear the perfect amount of makeup, or whatever.

I do not know if it is just what I have gathered, but it always seems as though ugly girls have no chance.  There are so many beautiful girls, that the rest of us are screwed.  Every girl wants to be the one that a guy genuinely wants to be with.  People tell the ugly girls to just have a great personality, blah blah blah.  Well you know what? If a guy had the choice between an ugly girl with a personality, and a beautiful girl with a personality, guess which one is more desirable?  And when I say ugly, I do not always mean UGLY, I just mean anything not meeting the gorgeous standards and below.  I am not saying that I am necessarily ugly either, but I am definitely not first pick.  I have always wondered what it would be like to be desirable.  To be wanted, for both personality, morals, and looks.  Maybe it is just high school, but it seems so slim.  Okay, and not to sound like a jerk here, but then you see those weirdo girls that have a boyfriend and you are like WHAT THE WHAT!!?!??!

Now, I am perfectly fine with being single and not have guys wanting me (well, maybe not compleeeetely fine, but seriously, it is not the end of the world), but why does it have to be shoved in our faces.  More ways than one.


Guys think it is okay to harshly or nicely critique and comment on girls around girls – OKAY WE GET IT.  SHE IS EFFING HOT AND YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO HER ALL NIGHT.  WE ALL KNOW THAT KIM KARDASH IS SEXY, SAME WITH EVERY OTHER CELEBRITY.  YES, HER BOOBS COMPLETELY TURN YOU ON.  YOU COULD STARE AT HER BUTT ALL DAY, WE KNOW.  LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION TO YOUR GUY TIME, NOT IN FRONT OF INSECURE GIRLS.  YOU THINK IT IS OKAY TO ALSO SAY HOW UGLY A CERTAIN GIRL IS TOO.  SO WHAT IF HER PANTS DO NOT LOOK GOOD?  WHO CARES IF HER HAIR IS WHACK, WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO JUDGE WHO SHE IS??!?  EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK THESE THOUGHTS, STOP SAYING THEM IN FRONT OF GIRLS, THEY FEEL INSECURE AND FIGURE OUT YOU ARE A PHYSICAL DRIVEN JERK.  Like really?  When I think a guy is freaking hot, I tell my girl friends.  I feel awful when I say those things to guy friends.  I do not think any of my guy friends know how guy crazy I am, that is because I am polite to not say those things to guys.  It is rude, boring, lame, and annoying.  So why is it okay to say how sexy or ugly some girl is to me?  It is not.  Btw, just because I love looking at guys and love talking about them to my girls, does not mean that I would want to date them, I actually like to get to know people, sorry.

I will probably add to this post, but that is all my annoyed brain could conjure up right now.



Got my new computer, just wrote a freaking long blog post.


…..clicked on a button to check something.

Bam, post gone.

I might write another one, it was a stupid post anyway.