Alone

September 2, 2011


I really just want my senior year to be done with.  I’m tired of going through the motions.  I am tired of pretending that I am this happy and cheery person all the time.  I’m tired of feeling like I am not good enough.  I feel so alone.

I don’t really have any close friends.  I have a few good friends, but no one that I could hang out with alone and feel totally comfortable with.  There have been only two people (outside of family) that I felt totally comfortable to be with, and they are gone.  Well, one was a previous best friend, but we don’t talk anymore.  The other is in college, I miss him a lot.

I honestly do not like him, let me make that clear.  I just miss talking to him, and having random times.  Conversations never felt forced or fake, they were always so natural.  I always felt so comfortable around him.  I miss having someone that I related to so well, but we also had our diagreements.  I miss playing video games together, and geeking out.  I miss talking about our nerdy and emo middle school days, when we played in a “rock band” together (we actually played in a band, he still is in it today, but it’s not as sucky).  I’ve known him for so long.  We could not talk for weeks, but still know we are best friends the second we finally saw each other.  I miss having jazz band together.  I miss having him in choir with me.  I miss our inside jokes.  I miss knowing that he is there for me.  I miss being able to tell him anything.  I miss not caring that he had a zillion other friends, because he still made time to be my friend.  I miss not caring what I looked like or wore, because he didn’t care, and looked just as stupid as I did.    I feel so alone.

Not having a friend to turn to sucks.

Not that I don’t love when my “friends” make plans to have lunch together, hang out, or talk about inside jokes in front of me, buuuuut I really hate it.  I get it, you guys are normal enough to not be awkward, and that you don’t do anything so you can hang out all the time.  But I really don’t want to hear about it.  I try so hard not to do that to people, it’s so rude.  It’s my favorite when I hear my “friends” asking their friends if they want to go out for lunch during open lunch at school and I just stand there.  Or when they talk about plans they are making for Friday night, and how fun they will be, that’s pretty awesome to listen to.  Or when they talk about how fun Friday night was, that’s the best.

I know I am an awkward person.  I know that people don’t want to be good friends with me.  I know that people only want to hang out with me when their best friend isn’t around.  You don’t have to make it so dang obvious.  I’m not stupid.

I just have to make the most of it.  I’m really not this negative in real life, I just need to vent to someone and not care whether or not I am exaggerating or being dubm.

 

I really miss him.  We promised that we would be friends until we are 70.  I hope that proves true.

 

 

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I can’t sleep.  I don’t think I want to sleep tonight.  I’m going to listen to Colplay and Muse while I read other blogs.

Later,

Kelsey.

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