September 20, 2011

This sucks.  I am already overwhelmed with everything.  I am failing Anatomy, and have D’s in Prob&Stats and AP Gov.  I need to write things down to maybe make my life not actually seem so insane.

Things I need to do:

Practice piano, fill out my binder before my lesson, and then suffer through.

Find a day for my senior recital and get it approved by my piano and horn teacher (and myself)

Figure out how I am getting to Symphony and Piano next week when my parents go to Houston for my sister’s pregnancy.

Practice french horn

Listen to recordings of my symphony music.

Set up my senior pictures by tomorrow because she keeps hassling me.  I don’t even want senior pictures, too expensive.

Somehow read 15 chapters that I have missed in my stupid World Literature class.

I have a church orchestra concert on Friday.

Send in my application to college, even though I am planning on the military.

Figure out how to drop Anatomy and World Lit so I can have PE and an open.

Set up a band lesson before this Friday to get my assignment done.

Finish my stupid spanish assignment at school before tomorrow at 4, even though I have band in the morning and have to leave right away for piano after school because our whole school uses suckish apple computers, so everything that is made on it online, can not be used on normal PCs.  I will have to do it during lunch.

Remember to bring my stupid mouthpiece to school for marching band.

Remember to bring my tennis shoes tomorrow for school.

Keep losing weight, eat healthier.



Aww, what a nice day.

September 15, 2011

I feel so relaxed right now, I feel good.  School was bleh, marching band was cold and rainy, I felt left out in anatomy, accounting is getting confusing, I didn’t turn in my government homework, but whatever.  After school I helped some friends with the all-state vocal music, since none of the could play piano, they asked me to do it.  I went home, ate healthy food (yay for my mom buying a bunch of fruits because I was sick yesterday!), had my horn lesson, read a good for world lit (Cry, the Beloved Country…it’s so good!), fell asleep for an hour, woke up with my doggy jumping in my bed (which never happens), eating some oatmeal, got ready for bed, now I am blogging and listening to Muse.

It’s just a nice day, nothing special, nothing suckish, just a nice day.

I am still trying to get past my materialistic jealousy obsession, and my obsession with worrying about my weight and looks.  I don’t know why I spiraled down like this.  I’m getting better though, I just have certain days that suck.

Alright, well that’s all for today!


I can’t handle how much I love these two songs right now.  I am constantly listening to them.  I freaking love Muse.




Being Beautiful.

September 11, 2011

Beauty can really be a tricky topic.  I’ve always had insecurity issues.  My old best friend in middle school had a jerk boyfriend (still dating 5 years later) who would make fun of me, tell me how ugly I was compared to my friend, call me (and his girlfriend) fat all the time for about 2 years.  It kinda got to me.  That’s probably why I can’t handle when guys talk about how a girl  looks negatively, it’s abuse.

A girl should never be called ugly, it’s just wrong.  I can’t stand it when guys make fun of how a girl looks, it sets me off.  Girls feel required to be beautiful all the time.  T.V. shows make it seem like girls have to look good every second of the day.  Guys complain when girls stop trying as hard into their looks when they are dating.  Every single girl magazine is either talking about how you look, or how to act in a relationship.  I can’t stand it sometimes.

Guys can look like crap all they want, but when a girl wears sweatpants (God forbid), she is an ugly slob.  Guys claim that they don’t like when girls wear makeup, but they would actually be surprised how different we look without eyeliner and mascara.

What is being beautiful?

Some people think “looking good” and material objects are beautiful, that’s the obvious superficial answer that everyone pretends they don’t fall in.

Some people think it is your confidence or your smile.  How is someone supposed to have confidence when they are constantly made fun or told how ugly they are?

I think everyone has their own definition of beauty.  These are some good bible verses, which I need to live by.

I pray that I will stop worrying about my outward appearance.


1 Peter 3:3-4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.


1 Timothy 4:8

Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is much more important, for it promises a reward in both this life and the next.


1 Samuel 16:7 –

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.


Proverbs 31:30 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.





September 2, 2011

I really just want my senior year to be done with.  I’m tired of going through the motions.  I am tired of pretending that I am this happy and cheery person all the time.  I’m tired of feeling like I am not good enough.  I feel so alone.

I don’t really have any close friends.  I have a few good friends, but no one that I could hang out with alone and feel totally comfortable with.  There have been only two people (outside of family) that I felt totally comfortable to be with, and they are gone.  Well, one was a previous best friend, but we don’t talk anymore.  The other is in college, I miss him a lot.

I honestly do not like him, let me make that clear.  I just miss talking to him, and having random times.  Conversations never felt forced or fake, they were always so natural.  I always felt so comfortable around him.  I miss having someone that I related to so well, but we also had our diagreements.  I miss playing video games together, and geeking out.  I miss talking about our nerdy and emo middle school days, when we played in a “rock band” together (we actually played in a band, he still is in it today, but it’s not as sucky).  I’ve known him for so long.  We could not talk for weeks, but still know we are best friends the second we finally saw each other.  I miss having jazz band together.  I miss having him in choir with me.  I miss our inside jokes.  I miss knowing that he is there for me.  I miss being able to tell him anything.  I miss not caring that he had a zillion other friends, because he still made time to be my friend.  I miss not caring what I looked like or wore, because he didn’t care, and looked just as stupid as I did.    I feel so alone.

Not having a friend to turn to sucks.

Not that I don’t love when my “friends” make plans to have lunch together, hang out, or talk about inside jokes in front of me, buuuuut I really hate it.  I get it, you guys are normal enough to not be awkward, and that you don’t do anything so you can hang out all the time.  But I really don’t want to hear about it.  I try so hard not to do that to people, it’s so rude.  It’s my favorite when I hear my “friends” asking their friends if they want to go out for lunch during open lunch at school and I just stand there.  Or when they talk about plans they are making for Friday night, and how fun they will be, that’s pretty awesome to listen to.  Or when they talk about how fun Friday night was, that’s the best.

I know I am an awkward person.  I know that people don’t want to be good friends with me.  I know that people only want to hang out with me when their best friend isn’t around.  You don’t have to make it so dang obvious.  I’m not stupid.

I just have to make the most of it.  I’m really not this negative in real life, I just need to vent to someone and not care whether or not I am exaggerating or being dubm.


I really miss him.  We promised that we would be friends until we are 70.  I hope that proves true.



Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I can’t sleep.  I don’t think I want to sleep tonight.  I’m going to listen to Colplay and Muse while I read other blogs.