Tight Rope

August 25, 2011

Guess what?  I am already love/hating highschool after my third day.  I love being in band, choir, show choir, and my friends, but I am already tired of the rest of it.  I’m just so stressed out about everything, and I am beginning to have low self-asteem again, awesome.   Show choir makes it worse, whenever we use the mirrors, I wanna cry because I am so ugly.

Yes, I am going to whine about my middle class, average, white teenage girl problems.  It’s my blog, I don’t care.

I’ve decided highschool is this giant tight rope, balancing to stay on, but having to strut down the tight rope looking better than everyone else.

I’m so tired of wanting to live up to expectations.  I hate having to feel like I have to avoid every awkward moment because I feel like people won’t like me if I don’t fill the silence.  I hate not having any super close friends to always rely on, I feel alone even when I am in a group of 10 friends.  I feel like no one actually wants to be my friend, they just feel sorry.  I hate when my not very close friends make plans in front of me.  I hate that I feel like I can’t carry a decent conversation with anyone except my parents, because I know they don’t judge me.

I hate that I feel ugly.  My hair never looks right.  It’s frizzy, a disgusting color, bad hair cut.  My hair looks stupid no matter how I style it.   I will always have huge thighs and a chubby stomach.  I will always have disgusting acne, red blotches, and sickly pasty white skin.  I will never be the girl that guys think she is beautiful and want to get to know her.  Guys could care less about me.  Guys are extremely visual, and care a lot about looks, way more than girls care about how guys look.  Sucks for ugly girls.  Beautiful girls can be with ugly guys all the want, but beautiful guys would NEVER be with an ugly girl, so go me.  I don’t own beautiful clothes like every other girl, my closet consists of t-shirts and sweatpants.  I don’t have money for clothes that “define” my personality.  I’m tired of being obnoxiously shorter than everyone, an ugly short person.  I’m tired of not being able to feel accepted.

I freaking hate the high school mirrors.  I’m not sure if they have good of bad lighting, but whatever it is, it makes me look pretty dang ugly.  I feel like I look okay when I am getting ready for school, then after I take one look at those mirrors, I take it all back.  Probably because I don’t have gorgeous high school girls walking around my house to compare myself to…

Okay, not that I want to be the hottest girl to walk the planet, but I wish I could feel pretty.  I just never do.  I feel like everyone is gorgeous no matter what they do.  They can be in fancy clothing, with amazing hair, or in sweatpants, with hair pulled back, and still look amazing.

I wish I could look at myself from other people’s perspective so I could see what I think of myself.  I would probably think I am not the prettiest person, and that I am awkward.

I want a friend.  I feel empty.

I hate that I feel like I am a nobody.  That I don’t have a personality, that I am not interesting, or remembered for anything.  That I am just this boring blob.

I don’t know what to do.  Maybe I’ll talk to someone at church tonight, I feel like this will get worse, and I know it’s not good for me.  I don’t want to be materialistic or compare myself to others, but I do.  I feel like nothing will help or change how I feel.


Sorry for this pathetic and whiny rant.





2 Responses to “Tight Rope”

  1. asha said

    hey add me,on my email,i really have the same problem,mly mine is worse!!

  2. sharon said

    Omg i love this blog!! I love how you pour your emotions into here and how you dont write short posts and i can totallu relate to you,although im pretty sure im alot younger than you but i have a blog too and i juat feel that if you dont write about your feelings its like not getting rid of all your problems,im a loser at school so blogging is the obly way i can let things go,but im afraid my classmates will read it so i dont write much about my life,but i find it enjoyable blogging about my life,thanks for letting me know there are people who feel the same as me =)

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