Tight Rope

August 25, 2011

Guess what?  I am already love/hating highschool after my third day.  I love being in band, choir, show choir, and my friends, but I am already tired of the rest of it.  I’m just so stressed out about everything, and I am beginning to have low self-asteem again, awesome.   Show choir makes it worse, whenever we use the mirrors, I wanna cry because I am so ugly.

Yes, I am going to whine about my middle class, average, white teenage girl problems.  It’s my blog, I don’t care.

I’ve decided highschool is this giant tight rope, balancing to stay on, but having to strut down the tight rope looking better than everyone else.

I’m so tired of wanting to live up to expectations.  I hate having to feel like I have to avoid every awkward moment because I feel like people won’t like me if I don’t fill the silence.  I hate not having any super close friends to always rely on, I feel alone even when I am in a group of 10 friends.  I feel like no one actually wants to be my friend, they just feel sorry.  I hate when my not very close friends make plans in front of me.  I hate that I feel like I can’t carry a decent conversation with anyone except my parents, because I know they don’t judge me.

I hate that I feel ugly.  My hair never looks right.  It’s frizzy, a disgusting color, bad hair cut.  My hair looks stupid no matter how I style it.   I will always have huge thighs and a chubby stomach.  I will always have disgusting acne, red blotches, and sickly pasty white skin.  I will never be the girl that guys think she is beautiful and want to get to know her.  Guys could care less about me.  Guys are extremely visual, and care a lot about looks, way more than girls care about how guys look.  Sucks for ugly girls.  Beautiful girls can be with ugly guys all the want, but beautiful guys would NEVER be with an ugly girl, so go me.  I don’t own beautiful clothes like every other girl, my closet consists of t-shirts and sweatpants.  I don’t have money for clothes that “define” my personality.  I’m tired of being obnoxiously shorter than everyone, an ugly short person.  I’m tired of not being able to feel accepted.

I freaking hate the high school mirrors.  I’m not sure if they have good of bad lighting, but whatever it is, it makes me look pretty dang ugly.  I feel like I look okay when I am getting ready for school, then after I take one look at those mirrors, I take it all back.  Probably because I don’t have gorgeous high school girls walking around my house to compare myself to…

Okay, not that I want to be the hottest girl to walk the planet, but I wish I could feel pretty.  I just never do.  I feel like everyone is gorgeous no matter what they do.  They can be in fancy clothing, with amazing hair, or in sweatpants, with hair pulled back, and still look amazing.

I wish I could look at myself from other people’s perspective so I could see what I think of myself.  I would probably think I am not the prettiest person, and that I am awkward.

I want a friend.  I feel empty.

I hate that I feel like I am a nobody.  That I don’t have a personality, that I am not interesting, or remembered for anything.  That I am just this boring blob.

I don’t know what to do.  Maybe I’ll talk to someone at church tonight, I feel like this will get worse, and I know it’s not good for me.  I don’t want to be materialistic or compare myself to others, but I do.  I feel like nothing will help or change how I feel.

 

Sorry for this pathetic and whiny rant.

Later,

Kelsey.

 

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Empty.

August 11, 2011

Do you ever get that strange feeling of emptiness?  Not of hunger, but just feeling empty.  That nothing is going on in your head or body.  I have been feeling like that for 2 hours.  It’s a really weird feeling.  I’m not really depressed, but I am not happy or even satisfied.

I really don’t get emotions, you know?  Some days I am EXTREMELY social, fun, witty, etc.  It just comes super natural sometimes to talk to people and have a good time.  I love that side of me, I’m confident, nice, fun, and social. I can talk about anything that is given to me, I feel like I could be best friends with anyone that walks up to me, it’s this natural high for me.

And then I get in those weird moods, almost moods of feeling empty, but not quite.  I can’t talk to people and conversation feels forced.  I feel ugly, I start to compare myself to other people, I’m extremely awkward when talking to people, the whole works.  I pretty much become anti-social.  I hate those times, especially because I know I am in the mood, and I so badly don’t want to be in it because I run into awkward moments all over the place. I also have a negative attitude about myself, I tear myself down physically, and I make myself seem completely abnormal and dumb, even though that’s not true, nor does it matter.

I start to get paranoid if I have to be with someone alone, because then I feel like the spotlight is on me, that I have to be something that I am not, that I am not good enough for that person, that they will obviously find me boring and awkward and tell their friends that I am weird.

I just wonder why and how I can be so happy and fun one day, then sad and awkward the next day.  And it seems impossible to get out of either mood.  I wish I was fun Kelsey all the time.  If I figured out how to make myself like that all the time, I would.  I like being around myself when I am like that.  Maybe it’s who I am with that day, or what my day was like, I mean I am sure that has an influence on it.

Sorry if you think I care too much what people think of me, I try not to, but that’s my problem right now.

Later,

Kelsey.

Relaxful evening.

August 7, 2011

I’m pretty sure I have not been more for more than an hour or two since yesterday.  Today was fun though, finally had a good time with all of my friends.  No fighting, no tension, no gossiping about other friends, it was peaceful.  We spent all last night watching Pretty Little Liars, our television series of the moment.  I really like the show, it has a good story, despite ABC’s corny and exaggerated actors.  Then I spent the rest of the day being with my friends, and got home late after our freaking movie from Blockbuster stopped playing during the middle of the movie…

I didn’t realize that there was a storm going on until my friend took me home.  I think there is some heat lightning, because there is a lot of lightning but not a lot of thunder going with it.  I never knew about heat lightning until I went to camp in Kansas, crazy huh?  My friends were camped out in one of the girls’ room, watching the lightning, and worried (but laughing) when we saw people walking through all the rain and wind, and just enjoying ourselves and most likely being annoying to everyone else.

I miss those friends.  Another reason I love camp friends, you just enjoy each other’s company.  You don’t worry about history, past boyfriends or friends, drama, or gossiping.  It’s the very start of friendship, it’s so raw.  You find out who you click with, then hang out with them.  It hasn’t changed since we were able to make decisions about who we like and don’t like.

Sorry if I sound like some idiot thinking that I am so insightful and deep, I just feel so relaxed.  I am just listening to some relaxing Muse songs while watching the lightning out of my window.

This is the first time in forever I have slept with my shades all the way up.  I can’t wait to wake up with the sun shining in, I love having my window facing east!

I love this song a lot.  I really want this album in general.  My favorite part is the chorus, I always imagine some guy saying those words to me, looking deep into my eyes (corny, I know!).

Later,

Kelsey.